Monday, May 9, 2011

What Are You Waiting For?

So the end of the year is coming, and I'm facing the reality of how obvious it will become that other than work, church, and errands, I generally only leave the house for purposes of socializing once a month. Not so noticeable when you're leaving every day, but last summer there were a handful of weeks that I didn't leave once between two weekly excursions to church. That's a little depressing.

We've been to our new ward a few times now, and I'm starting to remember a few names (working for Disney completely ruined my ability to remember names . . . stupid name tags). It's a little jarring to be in a ward with people . . . er . . . well over thirty after so many years in wards where everyone but the bishop is pretty close to my age. And I'm tolerably certain we are the only couple without kids/not expecting . . . in fact, I'm not sure yet, but it may be that every woman within ten years or so of my age either just gave birth or will this summer/fall. Seriously. It remains to be seen if anyone s going to try and make that awkward. There are a few people I like so far, at least as much as one can like a person after having a couple of brief conversations - but I have to admit, I'm worried about making friends.

I've never been very good at making friends . . . or maybe just at knowing when I have. I don't know if it stems from a couple of bad/awkward experiences in elementary school, or if those were just early evidence that I'm just wired backwards or something. But me and friends? Don't entirely go together. I spent high school mostly hanging out with people who, on looking back, really only tolerated me, while the people who I see now were "true" friends were the ones I sat with in class only if none of the "cooler" kids were in that class. I regret that now, but on the other hand I've kept more in touch with my "real" friends - whereas, while I may be facebook friends with the others . . . well, we all know what "facebook friends" means, don't we?

In college pretty much everybody in my departments was cool. Waaaaaaay to cool to want me around. At least that's how I felt. I was always so hesitant to go to any party/reading/gathering/whatever because I felt like I would be in the same situation that I was realizing I'd spent high school in. I was talking to an old college friend about it a few months ago - she said she's felt the same way! And that she's mentioned it to one of the decidedly cool kids - who said we'd always been welcome among the cool crowd. That was a bit of a shock, and I have to admit that simultaneously do and don't believe it.

That pretty much sums up my experiences and thoughts on friends, both before and since. I'm always second guessing myself.

Oh no, I must have offended everyone with that comment - that's why no one said anything.

That party invitation on the whiteboard in the break room - that's meant for everyone except me.

They're just to nice to specify.
No one came to my (insert whatever here) because they actually don't like me.

It sounds ridiculous. Even while I'm thinking those sort of things I realize that. But I can't help it. I always cringe a little when people say things like "What are you waiting for, an engraved invitation?" because . . . well, I kind of am. Without one I'm probably going to think you're just trying to be nice - that it's a charity invite. Isn't it stupid? Crazy? I know!! But there you go.

So I gotta say it really made my day to get an early birthday present last week. Aren't they pretty?

And just look at the vase . . . hand blown!! I love it!!!!!

Please ignore the decidedly un-picturesque kitchen background. :-)

Just the little bit of spring color we need at our house while we wait for this rainy weather to finally go away.

I love getting flowers. Back in high school there were a couple of clubs that would sell roses for Valentine's Day as a fundraiser . . . I was always so jealous. And of course there were always the guys who's "creative dance asking" involved having flowers delivered to a girl in class. And of course there was college . . . roommates having boyfriends . . . getting flowers . . . don't even get me started on how unloved and unlovable I felt at times.

So getting flowers - heck, anything - was kind of like the ultimate acceptance from some of the few friends I've made in the last couple of years. Or one, at least. :-) I can't fathom it changing much of anything - I'll probably still second guess myself, like, all the time . . . maybe a little less. And it is nice to feel a tiny bit more sure of myself. For a little while. Until the next time someone responds a little less enthusiastically then my warped expectations convince me they should have. Good times.

P. ost S. cript
Sharing the awesomeness. Seriously, who comes up with this sort of thing?!


  1. First of all...I totally feel that way at times too. Isn't it sad, in a way, that at our age (heh, that sounded old), we're STILL feeling this way? I had a life epiphany once that I don't have a lot of close friends...but I do have a lot of acquaintances. Which is fine...because the good friends that I DO have are really good.

    Second...speaking of invitations...are you going to the end of year party? Hello! Dinner at Hamilton's! I can engrave you an invitation if it'll get you there...

  2. I feel that way too sometimes... in fact, I have felt so awkward coming to book club that I considered not going. My dear sweet husband practically forces me because he knows I'll enjoy it and I need it. I think the more out of practice I get being with people the easier it is to find reasons not to...
    I know you'll find some great new friends in your ward and I look forward to seeing you at Book Club :)

    P.S. Isn't Deb awesome!!! Those flowers and the vase are gorgeous :) You deserve it!

  3. Oh look at how many feel the same way! I totally do! Especially about the "hung up somewhere random" invitations. I have always figured those were for the masses so no one felt left out but didn't really have to come... hmmm. Or like blanket verbal invitations... those have always been hard.

    Hope you like your new ward, which one is it by the way?


  4. I have no idea what the "A" is doing in the last comment... huh.

  5. Oh, I didn't see the vase the other night. BEAUTIFUL.

  6. 1st. I find it interesting that so many people feel the same way.... High School was a nightmare (one that I don't try to revisit too many times) , and I know ya'll might not believe me on this, but I am REDICULOUSLY shy. I refuse to go to activities of ANY kind unless I know there will be AT LEAST one person there I can sit with (I ALMOST didn't come to the 1st book club 1 1/2 years ago, because I was afraid Tawnya wouldn't be there :) I also, worry that I shouldn't have talked so much, or maybe I doubt things that just blurt out :)

    2nd. that vase is GORGEOUS and I love Deb even more after Thurs :) It was really sweet of her to remember our B-days. With so much going on, it was really thoughtful.