Monday, September 26, 2011

The Monsters Are Due on Maple Street To Serve Man

Ten points if you got the reference. Twenty if you got both. :-)

Things Lacey should know about herself but keeps forgetting: watching The Twilight Zone whilst home alone and it's dark out is an incredibly stupid idea because some of those episodes have the same effect as a show that shall remain unnamed this time around. Because seriously, even thinking of that one is likely to give me nightmares for a month. (aw, crap, now that theme song is in my head . . . )

Things Lacey Remembers: The Twilight Zone is freaking awesome. And available on netflix instant (for now anyway . . . but that's a rant I've been ranting for longer than I'm willing to admit, so we'll just leave it at that.)

Anyway, long story short I've thoroughly terrified myself for the last two weekends. And it's been kind of great. There's just something delicious about the chills that run the spine at the first sound of the opening credits. Especially the original opening. It's just more mysterious and creepy and chilling to begin with, and then the familiar one, while still lovely in its creepy dissonance has become such a catch phrase that it's almost cliche. Of course, there's also the fact that after about a million times my mind still automatically starts in on "Hollywood, 1939 . . . " in its Rod Serling voice. I'm thinking that's not going to go away, but it definitely kinda kills the terror vibe.

My all time scariest episode? "Time Enough at Last." Hands down. Because as much as I talk about characters I love, characters I have crushes on, characters I wish I could be like . . . I am probably most like Mr. Henry Bemis. (not to mention I simply can't hear Burgess Meredith's voice without thinking of this movie, and that's just good memories all around.) I am a reader. An obsessed reader. I have been known to read appliance manuals if nothing else was available. It is nothing short of a miracle that I haven't been fired for reading on the job . . . okay, I'm not that bad.

But seriously, I've seen this episode at least a dozen times and still every time my heart breaks for the poor guy at the end. Assuming, of course, that it has started beating again after the poetry book scene - sometimes it hasn't. And I know it's completely and utterly irrational, but every time I can't help but think that hey, this is the Twilight Zone - maybe it will end differently this time!! Which I know is completely and utterly ridiculous . . . but it honestly physically hurts me to see all those piles and piles of books and nothing to do in the world but read them and how much I would love to be the person in that position and then that cruel, cruel twist . . . I'm sure you're all already laughing hysterically at what a little nutcase I am, but the first time I saw this episode I cried. Just a little. Because seriously, talk about depressing.

And don't even get me started about "The Obsolete Man." It's gonna happen y'all. Maybe not for a while, but, uh . . . yeah. So gonna happen.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to lament the future like someone four times my age. And get myself so completely freaked out that by Halloween I'll be screaming in terror every time the doorbell rings. (wait a second . . . we're actually going to get trick-or-treaters this year . . . crap . . . that means buying candy before it's on discount . . . grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr)

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Yeah, I know, I'm always raving about how awesome Sesame Street spoofs are . . . but this one will never be topped. It is THAT spot on. Luke and I seriously laughed for ten minutes. Watch it. Watch it now. :-)

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

A Random Thought Day

Talk about finding a way to make money from nothing. I mean, I'd buy it! :-)

~ Shopping today. Christmas stuff = front and center. Halloween stuff = tucked back in a corner behind the Christmas stuff . . . and on clearance. Clearly someone at Shopko (and KMart) dropped their calender and should have enlisted the help of a kindergartner in reorganizing it.

~ Claire's has these. And this (just not online . . . frustrating because they didn't have my size in the store . . . grrrrrrrr). Come on, payday!!

~ I know exactly which of you are thinking exactly what. Save your intervention for the people who buy things like these. (that may have been the most . . . interesting . . . google search I've ever done.)

~ Super random thought of the day: I would get a kick out of the irony in someone wearing a CTR belly button ring.

~ 5-year-old boy has a crush on you? Freaking adorable. 10-year-old boy has a crush on you? More on the "awkward" end of the scale. Multiple 10-year-old boys have a crush on you? It's gonna be an . . . interesting . . . year. I'd like to think I'm just flattering myself, but when there's a line of boys waiting for you to check their work and they'd rather wait than have their male teacher check it instead . . . well, I guess we'll see, won't we?

~ Being in nursery = fun. Luke's loving the snack time. I'm loving watching his slightly bewildered interactions with the kids. He's pretty popular with them, which makes for good entertainment for the rest of us adults. :-)

~ Holy crap, how is it the end of September already?! Wasn't it only April, like, yesterday? Maybe that's why all the store merchandise putter-outer-people are confused.

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Pretty sure I've posted it before, but a friend of mine posted it on facebook and I was blown away again. It's just so crazy that it works!! (very brief language at the beginning if you care)

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

I'm Crying Great Big Cotton Kiwi Tears

The Awesome Sock Store? Is closing.

Acceptance of copious amounts of condolence chocolate begins . . . now.

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We saw this show just before we left Florida (literally two days before). AMAZING!! Videos can't even pretend to do it justice. Seeing a Cirque show should be on everyone's bucket list.

Monday, September 12, 2011


For those of you who forgot. Not particularly flattering pictures of me and the various potential incarnations are on facebook.

My parents are driving home as we speak . . . can't wait!! :-D

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Watch out for carnivorous herbivores . . .

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

Here I Go Again

Today I saw a fifth grader reading Twilight. A FIFTH GRADER. As in A TEN-YEAR-OLD. There is not enough profanity in the world to fill in the symbols in the "Are you @#$%^%&*^(&^%@!#@%^%&%@$!#$^%^%$&^#@$%^%$&^&%*&^$%ing kidding me?!?!?!?!?!" that has been going through my head all afternoon.

I know, I know, I've ranted about Twilight before. So for those of you who don't spend your spare time rereading my past blog posts, here's the recap:

1. The books themselves - story = not that bad, an original take on the vampire legend that could have made for an entertaining guilty pleasure if not for the fact that the writing = a level of horrendous I've only seen exceeded by a classmate who needed to reconsider her major back in college. (side note: this might be the most awesomest site in the history of the internet. so true, so perfect, and often so funny.)

2. Abusive male + submissive female = not okay in any relationship.

3. Humanity is clearly losing its grip on reality.

Okay, now on to my new rant's bullet points. Yay!!

(2) 1 ~ Who in their right mind lets a ten-year-old read a book that's meant for teenagers and (as I argued last time) still rather inappropriate for them? Either this child is reading her parent/guardian's copy or she got it out of a library. And either way, I am not the only adult who knows she's reading it. I refuse to believe she got it out of the school library, so it strikes me as logical to assume that some sort of parental figure is aware of this child's chosen reading material. (and yeah, let's be honest, I might be completely off here but I'ma go with it because it fits into my angry tirade and don't mess with me when I'm ranting, dangit!)

So this begs a few questions. Does this parental figure support the horrible "gender roles" illustrated in this series? Do they want their daughter to think being meek and submissive will win her the man of her dreams rather than an abusive psychopath? Do they want her to want a manipulative emotional abuser? Are they trying to teach her that she is only worth as much as a male thinks she is? There are not words to describe how many levels of wrong and awful this is!! It's bad enough that in this day and age there are still people who think that way, but at least the adults - and even the teens, to an extent - who pick up these books are (theoretically) able to see the glaringly obvious problems with the way Bella interacts with every single freaking male in her life . . . but this girl doesn't know what she's reading. All she sees is a super popular book that all the big girls read and she wants to look grown up, and now she's going to think that this is what she should spend her high school years seeking out. And granted, my high school expectations were horribly skewed too . . . but Saved by the Bell is ridiculously harmless comparatively speaking.

I'm on the fence about Harry Potter as appropriate for this age group - those last few book get rather, er, gritty, shall we say - but just based on this I'm all for them. (click on 'em to make them bigger and, you know, be able to read them.)

(2) 2 ~ These books are SO inappropriate for someone in FREAKING ELEMENTARY SCHOOL. I haven't heard this one yet, but the other day Aunt Sharon was telling me about mothers who say things like, "I haven't read Twilight, but I'm okay with my daughter reading them because she's Mormon."

Ummmmmmmmmmmmm . . . what? I'm sorry, but just because you can buy these books at Deseret Book doesn't mean they're appropriate for all ages, or even appropriate for anyone who shops there. In fact, as far as I'm concerned they may as well start carrying bodice rippers with Fabio on the cover because that's about the level of integrity they have in my eyes after carrying these books (and, actually, a couple of others that my mom thought would be okay because she bought them there only to be quite surprised when she read them. and then horrified that I'd read them because they were for me. but I digress). In fact, I'm pretty sure the publishing arm of the company wouldn't touch them with a thirty-nine-and-a-half foot pole . . . and now I'm curious about just how many places the manuscript was submitted before it was accepted - and what those places were.

So Lacey, you may ask, just what is age-inappropriate in these books . . . other than, you know, everything?

Let's start with the graphic violence that's in all four books. Because it. Is. Graphic. And let's stop and take a moment to ponder why it is that generally Mormons are okay with graphic violence, but even a whisper of sex is enough to condemn a person to the deepest, darkest circle of Hades. Yeah, could someone please explain that one to me because I've seriously been wondering for years. A little bit of passionate kissing and a smidge of hands roaming bodies and everyone's all "grab your torch and pitchforks!!" But limbs hacked off and blood spurting everywhere? Bring it on.

(Note: yes, that is a gross generalization. But in my experience it is accurate - just exaggerated.)

Then, of course, there's the fact that Bella only agrees to marry Edward because Edward won't sleep with her otherwise. Say whatever you want about the books promoting abstinence - the fact is, Bella spends Eclipse mostly trying to get into Edward's pants. I suppose props ought to be given for that reversal of gender roles . . . but is that the picture of marriage we want to be sending to the rising generation? "We" referring to both humanity in general and Mormon mothers in particular. Maybe I'm over analyzing things (of course I would have to disagree with you there) but the message I'm seeing is something like "marry him if you have to girls, but don't bother buying the pig if you can get the sausage for free."

This could probably go under the graphic violence heading, but since it added flashing exclamation points to Lacey's List of Reasons Not to Get Pregnant, it gets a separate entry:


'Nuff said. For those not in the know, the demon mutant baby performs a c-section on Bella. FROM THE INSIDE. I know it's ridiculous, but talk about not making the thought of childbirth any more appealing. (ummmmmm . . . sorry Lora . . . Shari . . . Camille . . . happy thoughts!!!)

On that note there's the whole imprinting thing. Which I was more or less okay with until what's-his-butt imprinted on a toddler. And then Jacob goes an imprints on an infant only minutes old (or an unfertilized egg, depending on just how you look at it). People talk about how the whole series (let's not touch the saga aspect again, m'kay?) is about a girl choosing between beastiality and necrophilia . . . and it is, when you boil it down to the basics. So how does everyone forget that it's also totally promoting pedophilia? And I'm not saying there are levels to it or anything because the whole idea is heinous, but Twilight is pedophilia of the absolute worst sort. And don't give me that crap about him being like a brother until she grows up - that just makes it creepier because you KNOW he's just counting down the minutes until she's ready for him to be a boyfriend instead of a brother.

Soooooooo . . . yeah. It's been two hours. I'm running out of steam. (but don't think I'm not still shocked and appalled, because I totally am.) Anyway, my point is that somebody is REALLY dropping the ball for this poor little girl and I just wish I was in a position where I could pick it up. Oh, how I hope this doesn't screw her up later on in life.

One more picture, because it's true. And funny. Because it's true.

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Speaking of cats that explain why the Puritans thought all felines were possessed by the devil . . . not that anyone has been for a week now . . . especially since the nightmares have stopped. (KIDDING!!! I promise, there was only the one!) Anyway, how about a little creepy to start getting in the mood for Halloween next month.

Monday, September 5, 2011

Coming Soon

So . . . I'm a bit of prankster. Love it. Can't get enough. I do try to keep it mostly harmless, but holy crap they can be so much fun!!

My dad taught me to play little jokes on people. The first place we lived in IF was right across the street from a small park. The edge was lined with evergreen trees that, while still large, had branches low enough to the ground for anyone to hide inside them. (it was seriously traumatizing to see they'd grown so much even dad could walk under them without ducking this summer . . . so not right!!!) We'd go to the park and dad would send me under the trees and mom would start to freak out that I was missing and I would jump out and yell "BOO!" and mom would freak out some more and dad and I would laugh. Perhaps a little cruel the first time . . . but she fell for it. Every. Single. Time. One would think that she would start checking under the trees before panicking . . . but not so much.

Then right before we got married I convinced Luke that he was giving a speech at our reception. Even better - I had him convinced that not only was he giving one, but that he'd already agreed to do it and had "forgotten" about it. That was pretty awesome. I love April Fool's Day. :-)

Anyway, getting to the point. My parents have gone to Washington for the next couple of weeks. I have a key to their house. Today Luke and I completed what just may be my most epic prank yet. Sadly, on the off chance that they get online before they get home, that is all I shall be saying for now. (wonder of wonders, weirdness of weirdnesses, my dad has actually read my blog a couple of times. dude.)

But I do have a preview . . . sort of. A teaser, if you will. Keep an eye out on my facebook page around this time next week!

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Holy cake pottery, Batman!! This is SO!! COOL!!!

Saturday, September 3, 2011

Annual Treats

Completely unrelated: if you didn't see me post this on facebook, read it now. I'm totally kicking myself for not being this eloquent in my rant two years ago . . . but on the other hand, I'm not sure it was possible to be so eloquent until this year. Anyway.

I'm sure I'm starting to sound like I'm about fifty years older than I am, talking about the weather all the time lately. I don't know what it is about August - especially the last ten days or so - but every year I feel like I'm not going to survive it. Tuck Everlasting really got it spot on - August is the top of a ferris wheel that has stopped, and every year I feel like it's never going to start again.

So yesterday when the temperature peaked at around 75* . . . a full, like, fifteen degrees lower than last week . . . I was in heaven. It was amazing. I loved the chill in the sir in the morning. Well, except for the fact that the bathroom was freezing because the window has been open all summer. That was unpleasant and little too wintry for my tastes as of yet.

It was so glorious to not walk out of the school and not melt driving home. And I celebrated by listening to Danse Macabre. (semi-related side note: Spotify is pretty much the most awesomest thing ever.) It's very much a favorite of mine, and it's really fun to play, but I only listen to it this time of year. It just has such a Halloween feel to it that it would feel wrong to listen to it any other time. Kind of like with Christmas music, which I only listen to after Thanksgiving partly because that's how it was growing up and partly because I like to keep it special.

Sometimes I wonder if it's just me. Luke laughs at me sometimes because I guess I'm kind of strict . . . he does risk my wrath by singing Christmas songs at all times of the year. Except, you know, Christmastime. And I know it's kind of silly, but there are all these little tiny things that have little tiny happy memories that come back every year. Conversation hearts are only for the first to weeks of February. Candy corn only during October and November. And as much as I LOVE cadbury creme eggs they are ONLY allowed during the weeks before Easter. (don't even get me started on the travesty that is holiday themed peeps in shapes other than bunnies and chicks!)

I don't know, am I crazy? It's just that when you do or have or eat or listen to or whatever something every day it loses something. It's not as special or exciting compared to when you only see it for a few days or weeks and then put it away for months. And I really hate the idea of these things becoming commonplace. There's just something about hearing those first notes of an old familiar Christmas song or that first small handful of candy corn that's familiar and new at the same time. It's comforting . . . comfortable. It's kept me sane since graduating high school and moving onward and (generally) upward. And while I'm always up for adding new traditions - Luke and I are still figuring things out as far as that goes - I think the old ones will always be closest to my heart.

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This was a fabulous routine. But there's nothing like the full orchestral, full-length version of the piece.