Monday, June 21, 2010

A Lifetime is Not Too Long

So we've been here in Logan for a while now. And while I've kinda known this all along, something about this summer is really making it obvious to me that I don't really have any friends here.

Okay, that's not entirely true. But that's what it feels like sometimes. Pretty much the only time I see anyone other than Luke is on Sundays. That's . . . a bit depressing. I'm not saying I'm tired of Luke. We still love spending time together (that's a good thing, right? lol) and don't generally lack things to talk about. We're happy when we hang out. But six days of only one person can get . . . monotonous.

The good news is I'm not generally lonely. I had absolutely no privacy growing up, even after I had my own room. So I kind of adore the solitude when Luke's at work. Heaven knows I get bored - thankfully not so much this summer as last, yay! But I really don't mind being by myself. It's just that sometimes I wish I had more options.

Of course the problem is pretty much all my own fault. I'm waaaaaaay too shy for my own good unless I know a person really well. I can carry a conversation with someone I know . . . as long as they start it, generally speaking. I'll usually jump at an invitation to hang out or go somewhere . . . but I will never be the one calling someone up with the idea. Part of it stems from high school, a point in time where I had some very good friends, but ironcially the people I spent the most time with really weren't friends at all. And the more time passes the more I can see that they way some of them treated me was not friendly at all to say the least. But part of it stems from . . . well, I don't know. I've always been shy, which led me to hang out with people in high school who probably didn't want me there but never actually came out and said it. Which led me to being paranoid now about people who are friendly not actually liking me. I can only imagine what the other girls at church think of me since I never say anything unless someone else says something first (and yes, I know "girls" sounds totally high school but I can't think of any other word that doesn't conjure up images of old ladies when coupled with an RS setting). And just think of the potential for "couple" friends! Aren't we, like, supposed to have those now? But Luke's not a super social person and pretty content that way, and since I'm not about to make a move . . . yeah, that's probably never going to happen. Blargh.

I would love to go back in time to my college years. It was the first time I had a large group of friends who actually were. Friends, I mean. (side note: yay for Cyd moving to Logan!!!!!) At the time I was always second guessing myself as to whether I was actually wanted around, but looking back I can definitely see a difference between my college group and my high school group. (generally speaking . . . I have a few friends from high school who read my blog . . . clearly you are among the real friends!) School in general is really the perfect environment for making friends. Especially with classmates you spend so much time together that the relationship is forged almost before you realize it - and the next thing you know there's five or six of you eating out of an ice cream carton without giving a second thought. Well, except for covering the ice cream with chocolate syrup after we've - I mean you've - eaten the last layer of chocolate off. :-) This whole grown-up thing though - dude, you have to actually seek people out. They don't just come with the territory anymore! What is up with that?! Not cool. So not cool. It means the deck is stacked so against people like me that it circles back around to being stacked in our favor . . . and keeps on going until it's stacked against us again. Grrrrrrrr.

At least my Mii likes me. I think.

P. ost S. cript
If math actually worked like this I might have had a prayer of passing it. :-)


  1. My first friend after I was married was a ladfy of 75. I seem to relate better to older women weird I know.

  2. Have no fear, we really wanted you there. I wanted you there. But I always had the same sense of self doubt. like, these people are so cool, and so funny, how can I possibly be part of this group? Yet somehow I was. Those were good times.

  3. So I know I was one of you friends in high school and I hope I never made you feel that way! Actually I guess you were more friends with daline since she was in your grade, but whoever was friends with Daline was an instant friend of mine! You were really really fun to hang out with in high school!
    I still live in Logan and I feel the same way! I don't have many friends that I hang out with, so we should totally hang out!!

  4. Ha! Lacey! I LOVE having you around. And Bennett loves playing with you during Church. I am the same way-- I have really struggled with friends here in Logan. And I have often felt the same about whether people really want me around, or if they are just being nice. Maybe it's a girl thing? I'm trying to convince myself that I am fun and have a lot to offer, even if others don't want me around (and hopefully they DO want me around). I'm getting there. In the meantime, I feel you! You are welcome at my house ANYTIME, though I am usually doing boring baby stuff! You are more than welcome to stop by unannounced, too, if you are ever nearby and feel like it!

  5. p.s. I LOVE reading your blog. You are so funny! You make me laugh every time. AND I just watched that Abbott and Costello bit literally last Friday night! So funny!

  6. Cyd ~ Yay! But - I know, right? It's like, "these are the cool kids! Why are they letting me hang out with them?!"

    Krista ~ You and Daline are DEFINITELY on the list of people I should have hung out more instead of some of the people I did. And we should get together some time for sure.

    Erin ~ Thanks! People keep telling me my blog cracks them up . . . which I'm not necessarily going for all the time . . . but, hey, I'll take it! As long as people like it, you know? :-) I'm a little tied here with apartment responsibilities in the afternoons, but I am absolutely up for hanging out too!