So we've been here in Logan for a while now. And while I've kinda known this all along, something about this summer is really making it obvious to me that I don't really have any friends here.
Okay, that's not entirely true. But that's what it feels like sometimes. Pretty much the only time I see anyone other than Luke is on Sundays. That's . . . a bit depressing. I'm not saying I'm tired of Luke. We still love spending time together (that's a good thing, right? lol) and don't generally lack things to talk about. We're happy when we hang out. But six days of only one person can get . . . monotonous.
The good news is I'm not generally lonely. I had absolutely no privacy growing up, even after I had my own room. So I kind of adore the solitude when Luke's at work. Heaven knows I get bored - thankfully not so much this summer as last, yay! But I really don't mind being by myself. It's just that sometimes I wish I had more options.
Of course the problem is pretty much all my own fault. I'm waaaaaaay too shy for my own good unless I know a person really well. I can carry a conversation with someone I know . . . as long as they start it, generally speaking. I'll usually jump at an invitation to hang out or go somewhere . . . but I will never be the one calling someone up with the idea. Part of it stems from high school, a point in time where I had some very good friends, but ironcially the people I spent the most time with really weren't friends at all. And the more time passes the more I can see that they way some of them treated me was not friendly at all to say the least. But part of it stems from . . . well, I don't know. I've always been shy, which led me to hang out with people in high school who probably didn't want me there but never actually came out and said it. Which led me to being paranoid now about people who are friendly not actually liking me. I can only imagine what the other girls at church think of me since I never say anything unless someone else says something first (and yes, I know "girls" sounds totally high school but I can't think of any other word that doesn't conjure up images of old ladies when coupled with an RS setting). And just think of the potential for "couple" friends! Aren't we, like, supposed to have those now? But Luke's not a super social person and pretty content that way, and since I'm not about to make a move . . . yeah, that's probably never going to happen. Blargh.
I would love to go back in time to my college years. It was the first time I had a large group of friends who actually were. Friends, I mean. (side note: yay for Cyd moving to Logan!!!!!) At the time I was always second guessing myself as to whether I was actually wanted around, but looking back I can definitely see a difference between my college group and my high school group. (generally speaking . . . I have a few friends from high school who read my blog . . . clearly you are among the real friends!) School in general is really the perfect environment for making friends. Especially with classmates you spend so much time together that the relationship is forged almost before you realize it - and the next thing you know there's five or six of you eating out of an ice cream carton without giving a second thought. Well, except for covering the ice cream with chocolate syrup after we've - I mean you've - eaten the last layer of chocolate off. :-) This whole grown-up thing though - dude, you have to actually seek people out. They don't just come with the territory anymore! What is up with that?! Not cool. So not cool. It means the deck is stacked so against people like me that it circles back around to being stacked in our favor . . . and keeps on going until it's stacked against us again. Grrrrrrrr.
At least my Mii likes me. I think.
P. ost S. cript
If math actually worked like this I might have had a prayer of passing it. :-)