Eleven Epic Ecritures

(Note: ecritures = French for writings. Because no way was I only going to be 2/3 alliterative, lol.)


1 ~ Singing Rebecca Black's "Friday" to the tune of Justin Bieber's "Baby"? Epic. I'm not sure if it's epically awesome or epically horrifying . . . but it's definitely epic. (btw, did I spell Beiber right?) Turns out sometimes 5th graders aren't obnoxious, but actually funny!

2 ~ Today in 5th grade: listing things that fall into the category "things with wings." The group I was with came up with only bird and plane (and one kid had bat). So I asked them to come up with one more that was neither bird nor plane. This ensues:

Kid 1: Eagle!

Me: That's a bird.

Kid 2: A flamingo!

Me: That's a bird.

Kid 3: A jet!

Me: That's a type of plane.

(Georgette): I know! A wingless bird!!

Me: *blank stare. about three beats*
*cracks up*
(thinking) aaaaaaaaaand two strikes with one swing!

Georgette gets a code name because I have the feeling this is not the last you'll be hearing from her, lol.


3 ~ Passing a random first grader in the hall - her eyes get big. "You were the princess kitty on Halloween!!" Dude, even the kids who don't know me know who I am. Pretty sure I've achieved rock star status or something. :-)

4 ~ Conversation with Luke today:

Luke: When is Thanksgiving?

Me: The 24th.

Luke: What day?

Me: *blank stare*

Luke: I don't know what day of the week that is!

Me: *face palm*

Sometimes all I can do is roll my eyes and think this. (at part 1:17)


5 ~ Bit of trivia for you - about 90 years ago an American woman came up with the idea for wearing poppies in November for Veteran's Day (then Armistice Day). Apparently it caught on pretty big. It's still big in Europe . . . in America . . . not so much. Interesting, no?

6 ~ Assuming I could put together an accurate recreation of these . . . things . . . would this not be the most horrifyingly creepy Halloween costume ever? That smile . . . those elbows . . . they're going to give me nightmares!!

7 ~ The Mark of Athena? Needs to be out now. Not exactly Deathly Hallows level of need . . . but DUDE, I hate waiting for books to come out!

8 ~ Throwing jeans in the dryer in the morning so they're warm when you get out of the shower and dress? AMAZING!

9 ~ Obnoxious neighbor story. So our downstairs neighbors sort adopted some stray cats forever ago (meaning the cats showed up and the neighbors fed them). Then our diagonal downstairs neighbors moved in and didn't have any objection to the cats. Then we move in. Fast forward to about six weeks ago. Diagonal neighbors have purchased a fancy new car and now the cats are suddenly unacceptable because apparently one of them threw up on their old car once. And their new car is, like, unwashable or something. So they complain and the landlords say get rid of the cats, which is sad because everyone else loves the cats and they keep the mice out of the outdoor storage sheds. Almost as soon as the cats are gone the fancy new car inexplicably disappears never to be seen again. And last week the universally disliked (and not just for cat-related reasons) diagonal neighbors move out. Seriously? You're too lazy to wash your new car so you get the cats disappeared and then you move out? Dear ex-neighbors: you suck.

10 ~ Scraping windows also sucks. Totally trying this sometime soon.

11 ~ Black Friday starts at 10:00 on Thursday?! Is there no low too low for someone out there to sink to in order to make a buck? Here's hoping no one shows up for at least a few hours . . . but I doubt it.



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A fun little video, particularly for the Tiger Mother readers out there, lol. And it takes some serious talent!

For Your Entertainment

Well, I laughed.


So when people talk to me about my blog the thing I hear most often is that it's really funny. Apparently I missed my calling as a stand-up comedian or something. And I feel like I haven't been very funny lately and that I ought to apologize for that. And excuse myself in the future by saying that I'm discovering that 4th and 5th graders are generally not as cute and funny as smaller kids . . . mostly they're just obnoxious.

Anyway, to make amends, I present you with three (hopefully) amusing stories. At my expense. Enjoy. :-)


1 ~

So back when I'm trying on my Elizabeth Bennett dress and discovering I suddenly have the shoulders of a . . . whatever football position it is that people talk about having big shoulders like . . . well, my first thought for alternatives was my other formal dress.

You see, back when I was in high school, my mom was in some ways a perfect Mormon Tiger Mother. Meaning her oldest daughter (me) was going to go to every formal dance ever and would need the most fabulous dresses ever and so we bought four over the course of time at massive blow-out sales that meant I got 4 rather expensive dresses for two-figure prices. Which is pretty awesome.

I got pity asked to junior prom a week before (good thing I got a dress so far in advance, eh?!) and didn't go to another formal . . . ever. Except for one semi-formal, the only dates I went on in high school were girl's choice. Same goes for college - minus the semi-formal. As Mormon Tiger Daughters go, I was an epic failure.

On the plus side, I have this lovely burgundy-ish formal dress that I've never worn. I was planning on wearing it for Valentine's Day, which Ellis also does up in epic style, but I figure I can wear it twice. So I try it on.

The good news: It still fits, ten years after buying it. And possibly even better than when I got it. Woot!

The bad news: I can only assume this is because it's just been sitting in a closet for a decade, but as I get the zipper nearly all the way up - it snaps. As in the flippy thingy you grab onto snaps off the part that does the actual zipping. And as I try to use the little piece of flippy thing that's left attached to the zippy thing . . . it crumbles into dust. I kid you not.

So here's your lovely and amusing mental picture: it's, like, 10:00 on (I think) Friday night. I'm stuck in a formal dress, the zipper of which will not go down now that I have no flippy thing to grab on to. Luke is at work and won't be home for a couple of hours.

I'm sure you can all picture the look of "oh crap!" on my face. Go ahead and giggle for moment. I'll wait.

Okay, long story short I'm not really sure how I did it, but I got the zipper down and the dress off, although there was at least ten minutes there where I thought I was just going to have to wait until Luke got home to help. And now I'm pretty impressed with the way I can contort my arms when I really need to.

Also - is there anyone out there willing/able to replace the zipper sometime in the next three and a half months? I'd still like to wear it for Valentine's Day.


2 ~

So Monday. When I was doing the scaring. I had to crouch pretty far down to get all of me behind that bench. I was pretty much curled up in the fetal position, both so that my cat ears and tiara wouldn't be seen, and also so my head would be down to the part of the bench it was easier to see through to know when the perfect moment to jump up was.

However, in order to jump up quickly, I kept my right leg up. And put most of my weight on it. And jumped up rapidly on the one leg. Repeatedly.

I'm too old to be doing that.

You know the muscle in you thigh? Not the quadriceps, the one in the front. I think I pulled my right one or something, because, holy crap, I have been feeling that since . . . well, shortly after I posted my last post. I'm fine when I'm moving, or when I'm still - but starting and stopping the motion . . . yesterday I thought I was going to die. Okay, maybe not that bad, but I have been limping. Not a lot, I'm sure no one else has noticed. But dangit, I have!

And . . . I may or may not have exaggerated it a bit at home for a little sympathy. :-) Not that it's really necessary, I've discovered I married a man who jumps to wait on me hand and foot if I so much as sneeze. Which kind of makes the fact that he's the one who gets sick the most often a little frustrating, ya know? :-) I'm feeling better (but still stiff) today - yesterday morning I could barely bring myself to get out of bed. Clearly I'm just not . . . ummmm . . . 26 . . . anymore? I mean, seriously. This sort of thing isn't supposed to start happening, like, another FIVE years at LEAST, right? This story? Is the story of my life in a nutshell.


3 ~

'Kay, so among other things I do in 5th grade, I do fluency timings. Basically, a fifth grader should be able to read about 150 words a minute and I time them on passages to see how close they are to that. A couple of the timings aren't passages, but lists of phrases - mostly things commonly seen on road signs or other signs out in the big blue world. (ten points unless you're Eric, lol) Things like "no passing" or "construction zone" or "pedestrian crossing" or whatever. Anyway, one of them is "no minors" which (Phillip) reads as "no mirrors." So afterward I tell him to look at it again, and he gets it immediately because his problem was, as I figured, just going too fast and misreading. But then he asks me what it means. So I explain the minor is the opposite of major and means something smaller or less important or lesser or lower or whatever, and then I explain that in context it meant someone younger than 18 and that he is a minor. This look of excitement and light bulbs clicking on comes to his face and he says all pleased with himself, "And you're a major!"

It may not see as funny when you're just reading it, but I cracked up. And through the giggles (this kid is used to me laughing at him, he's pretty quirky) I stumble out with something garbled like "well . . . yes and no . . . sort of . . . I guess . . . kind of . . . " and I'm thinking something like well, yeah, TECHNICALLY I guess, but the word is . . . wait . . . what is the word? What am I? Seriously? Did I seriously just ask myself that? I'm an . . . adult . . . is that word? Adult? Wait, yeah . . . yeah?

Or something like that. I hope my explanation was clear, because I get the feeling that this kid says he gets things even when he doesn't quite get them. I think I said something about how major wasn't the opposite of minor in this case and people over 18 are just called adults. Or something. I was giggly and a little flustered.

So . . . here's hoping this was funny enough to hold people over for a while. I'm certainly laughing at two of them. And I'll probably be laughing at the other one in a couple of months. :-)



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So . . . I totally should have posted this Monday and saved the monkey for today. But here's a little bit of late kitty Halloween fun. :-) We watched this last week, and it's seriously still kind of scary!

I'm Kind of Brilliant

Haters gonna hate, but dangit, I had fun today! And now, my genius idea - dun-da-da-DAH!!


Presenting CATherine, Duchess of Cambridge. :-) Like I said, I'm kind of a genius.

My best kitty cat pose. And a really crooked tiara. And about-to-fall-off cat ears. It's been a long day. :-)

Anyway, this was totally not my original plan. I really have been trying to top last year ALL YEAR. I finally decided to go with Elizabeth Bennett and just throw my wedding tiara on top and tell the kids I'm a princess. And it would be totally easy because I have the perfect Regency Era-type dress. In fact, I actually wore it as a Halloween costume a few years ago. Sadly, somehow during an entire night of partying up with peoples I only ended up with one semi-good picture showing it off. Blargh.


But still, I looked pretty awesome, eh?

Interestingly enough, I had two costumes that year (long story) and the other one - how's this for crazy? Hannah Montana.


This was a few months before I bought the wig, and I'm really not sure what takes more time - straightening my hair or pinning it up to be hidden under the wig.

So anyway. I'm planning on going with this fabulously already assembled costume, and just after school starts it occurs to me - I've gained a pound or three since 2007, and I probably should make sure the dress still fits. So I go and try it on and all the areas I'm thinking might be a problem are fine . . . but my shoulders have apparently doubled in size or something because the last, like, two inches of the zipper? Just aren't happening. So at this point I have two thoughts:
1) are you FREAKING kidding me?!?!
2) good thing I tried the dress on now, because dude, how much awkward panic would there have been this morning otherwise?!?!

So I'm frantically trying to come up with something new and all thoughts of costume toppage are pretty much out the window with a flurry of grrrrrrrrrr's, and that leads me to spending an afternoon driving from store to every store in town trying to find/make up something that's cheap but still at least a little bit clever. This would be the point where I discover that Shopko had shoved all their Halloween costume stuff into a corner and put it on clearance. Six weeks before Halloween. I still can't not think what the crap? about that.

Anyway, I finally end up at Hobby Lobby, more or less in desperation, but it all worked out because that's where I found the cat ears and tail, and for only, like, ten bucks or something like that. Score! Than I get up to the register and it turns out it's on clearance too or something because it rings up at half the price. Woot!

So then a couple of days later I decide to try the ears on to make sure the headband isn't some super tight headache inducing thing, because that would make for all sorts of torture. Turns out it fits purrrrrfectly (rim shot!) . . . so I just randomly kept the ears on. Because I could. So I'm sitting there stitching furiously and watching . . . something or other on tv . . . and then I remember - I have this!



These teeny tiny tiaras are for sale all over the place at WDW for, like, five bucks or something. I got lucky and found this perfectly intact one at the Cast Member Broken Reject Merchandise Store (that might not be its actual name, lol) for something like fifty cents.

Actually, I got two.


Because I'm awesome like that. :-)

So I run to my jewelry box and quickly discover, as you saw, that the tiara totally works, so I'm totally going with it and feeling all clever and original and now I'm stitching on the couch in cat ears and a tiara because again, I'm awesome like that. And I'm not just going to be a cat, I'm going to be a cat princess! Fun!!

This is the part that's probably obvious . . . but gradually the voice in my head switches things up from "cat princess" to "princess cat" and from there it was just a matter of word association. I mean, duh - princess cat = Princess Cat = Princess CATherine = CATherine, Duchess of Cambridge. Maybe I got there a bit faster than other people would have, but I imagine most people would have gotten there eventually.

Okay, maybe just to Princess CATherine. But that's close enough.

(Now, let's all take a moment and appreciate the fact that this was not my costume. Believe me, I appreciate it!)

So it all works out nicely, since I was planning on buying the earrings and ring anyway, and the only other thing I needed - a pair of black pants - I got at DI. And I lucked into finding a pretty great pair that I might even wear again . . . and that was certainly not in the plan! Woo. Hoo.

So by this point it's, like, the beginning of the month and I'm thinking I'm all set, and then Aunt Sharon emails asking if I have a tiara Sage can borrow, and again - two thoughts.
1) well, yeah, but I'm wearing it . . .
2) wait a second, I have THREE!

So I run to the jewelry box again to make sure my wedding tiara will work with the cat ears. And, obviously, they work together. So I take a moment to kick myself again for letting my mom talk me out of the tiara I really wanted -


Because this baby? Holy awesome. Also, the model? Totally being a really good sport. This picture was taken less than an hour after I made him pose for this one -


He must really love me, eh? :-)

Anyway, I kick myself and then I email back that Sage can have her pick and I'll wear the other one. Because Cinderella always gets top choice. :-)

So there is the long story of how I assembled my costume. As for showing it off today - yeah, no one's thought process went beyond cat princess. But hey, it even took me a few days, so I was not exactly expecting everyone to get it and spend the day telling me how immensely clever I am. It was all good.

They were short on volunteers first thing in the morning, so I started out hiding behind a bench in the spook alley jumping out and screaming and scaring the 5th graders, which was pretty awesome, but after just that grade - about half a dozen groups - my voice was already on its way out. (Let me just say right now I really don't know how certain people spent the entire day wailing last year!) So I switched out as more people showed up and went back to chief hand holder and laugher-at-tough-boys-near-hysterics . . . because oh yes, there were a few. It was great.

So now my feet are ridiculously tired again - good thing the boots I wore have half the heel of last year's boots! - and I'm all curled up because I hardly sat down all day. But it was a fabulous day, and I'm still in costume and hoping we have enough candy for all the little goblins who come by tonight. Since I'd rather not give out money. We don't keep much cash and we're even low on checks, lol. (ten points if you get the reference!)


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From the "SO going to get stuck in your head" file. Also from the "recruiting people to help wring Ashli's scrawny little neck for getting it in my head" file.

Plug

Is it possible to take family pictures of a family of two and have them come out NOT looking like cheesy engagement redo pictures?

The answer might be debatable, but if it is, this girl totally knows how to do it. And if you live anywhere near here you should totally hit her up for a great photo shoot before she gets a real job in some cool town that is not this one. Seriously, check our awesomeness out!

Thanks Elise!

(and if you're wondering why there was a need for family pictures of a family of two . . . feel free to ask again precisely two months from today.) :-)


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Just who should one talk to about getting SoL at the Studios started a couple of months earlier? :-)

Not Making Waves

I've kind of really been wanting to post this as my facebook status for a little while now, but I have the feeling it would open a can of worms I'd rather not deal with at the moment. Especially if the reason my car wouldn't start today when I tried to leave work is not the starter . . . but that is a rant for another time . . . maybe.

So. Today's discussion:

If it was not also a dessert, the name "Cobbler" would be just as popular as the name "Cooper."

Because seriously, there are kids out there named "Barrel-maker." What is up with that? Sure, I'm not saying you have to go all Lo-ruhamah and Ruhamah or whatever. (and let's not go into how freaking hard it is to find something when you know what your looking for but don't remember the actual reference or even the vicinity of where to look . . . for the record these aren't even the names I was looking for!)

But seriously, can't you at least spare a thought for when the kid tries to look up his name someday? Imagine -

"My name means princess!"

"My name means a strong and mighty wind!"

"My name means lion-hearted!"

"My name means . . . maker of barrels . . . "

And my name means I got a rock.

Anyway, this was supposed to be a two-line post. So I shall stop and save up my rant juice for something really good.

But I mean it - yay or nay on all those hypothetical Cobblers? :-)


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So I'm not generally one for all the gazillion singing shows on tv lately but since it's been at least 3 seasons since Dancing with the Stars cast anyone I was interested in watching I needed something new to occupy my time on Monday nights. And this? Fills it nicely. Holy freaking ALL VOCAL. Check it out. Seriously.

Doing a Little Happy Dance

So we went to Layton yesterday. To pick up my ring. Which, somehow, someway that I have not and probably will never figure out, got knocked completely cock-eyed in its setting. See?


Okay, you can't really see it . . . maybe you can. I totally can, but I know what I'm looking at. As you may have notice, it is a heart cut diamond. And instead of being straight in the setting it's tilted ever so slightly to the counter-clockwise persuasion. When we took it in and they let us look through the microscope at it. It looked really cool (and ginormous and practically transparent, which was part of the coolness) - and also turned out to be way more cock-eyed than I'd originally thought, which kind of freaked me out because I honestly have no idea how long I was wearing it like that!

(if you're really trying to see it, look at the bottom. See how the point of the heart is next to the prong? It's supposed to be nestled inside the prong.)

Like I said, no idea how it happened. But I noticed it a few months ago and immediately stopped wearing it for fear of the stone falling completely out or something. And we rejoiced in the foresight that was getting the lifetime warranty that meant it would cost nothing to fix it, and decided to wait until inspection time in September to cut down on the number of trips we had to make, because, you know, gas money is still a thing.

So we dropped it off about a month ago and then we picked it up yesterday. Like I said. Kinda really hoping you didn't forget that already. :-)

There are NO words for how relieved I am to have this one back. As I've mentioned, I do have an "alternate" as it were, and I've been wearing that one for the last feels-like-forever. It is a beautiful little ring, and I absolutely love it.

Even if it really doesn't do anything for my fat fingers.

However, to make a long story short, I have lived the last few months just shy of sheer terror. Also as I've mentioned, I have a ridiculously pathetic talent for losing accessories, especially rings. And what is there to say when you lose a priceless antique heirloom? How do you even ask forgiveness for that? I mean, it's a ring, all you do is shove it on your finger and go about your day. Unless you're me. I've had visions of the thing coming to life, forcing itself off my finger, bouncing all over the kitchen and ultimately down the inexplicably running garbage disposal. (side note: it's kind of hard to do things that involved using the sink one handed.) Or looking down one day and discovering one of the diamonds just gone. So then I picked up the habit of carefully inspecting the ring every time I put it on or took it off even though we had the prongs reinforced or whatever when we got it . . . it was probably not very good for my eyes, but it was good for my sanity so what can you do?

Because seriously, that was not a rhetorical question. What could I possibly have said if I'd lost this ring? What kind of horrible, careless, irresponsible, untrustworthy person loses an heirloom that belonged to someone they never met given by another person they'd never met (at the time)? I would seriously feel like I needed to go into hiding or something just from the guilt. Which would last approximately twice the length of time and all eternity.

So . . . yeah. The word of the day today is relief. And also: five day weekend, woo hoo!

Also: while we're on the subject of fixing things . . .


Does anyone know of a cobbler in this town? I have no idea what happened here (I think I'm noticing a trend . . . ) but I really love these shoes and don't want to give them up. However, the only cobbler I know of is in IF and I only know they were in business as recently as when my dad wore cowboy boots exclusively. Some of you know how long ago we're talking about here. As for the rest of you . . . I'd rather not think about how long ago that was. So just hook me up with one around here, m'kay? :-) Effective DIY remedies would be great too, as long as they're Lacey-proof. (that's like fool-proof only times about a bazillion.)


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Okay, here's the deal: Shrek was kind of lame after the first one (and really lame after the second) but I am quite the Puss in Boots fan. (see also: Antonio Banderas . . . you'll just have to imagine hearing that in my slightly lame imitation of his accent) Also: this is pretty clever. Not Grover, Smell Like a Monster clever, but I giggled.

Any Attention is Good Attention

I'm generally pretty content with myself and my (limited) abilities. I may not be able to do a lot of things, but the things I can do I enjoy, and I like to think I do them pretty well (feel free to not disillusion me). College was a wonderful time for me because I spent most of my time with others in my majors, so we all did the same things and at about the same level of proficiency. And I may be a horrible person for saying this, but heaven knows there were a couple of people in the English department who were a lot worse than me and it rather helped my self esteem to know it. Florida was an absolutely fabulous place because there was no competition when it came to talents that had nothing to do with work. If there was something you could do that was awesome, but no expectation of more.

Being back in Utah is finally starting to get to me. I'd forgotten a little what it was like. I'd forgotten the "oh, you play the cello? Well, I play the piano, flute, harp, and sing!" The "oh, you did drama and color guard in high school? Well, I did volleyball, track, choir, cheerleading, and student council. And I knitted socks for the homeless in my spare time. 100 pairs a year."

It was probably silly of me, but I thought I wouldn't have to deal with this sort of thing this time around seeing as I'm, you know, not single. I mean, wasn't it all an obnoxious competition to snag the guy who sang, danced, spoke fluent Portuguese and Latin, couldn't cook but loved good food, and adored watching you juggle four babies? I'm not anyone's competition anymore, dangit!

But . . . no. Now it's all about "oh I'm so tired from shuttling my gazillion kids around and I still have to make pasta from scratch for their dinner and sew their clothes from cloth I wove myself and do their homework for them (true story) and make the poster board and glitter myself for their project - oh my, you don't have kids? What do you do all day?!"

(side note: okay, I know that's not a strictly Utah thing but in this case it feels like an extension of the old version if the competition.)

Okay, I will admit I get bored sometimes and don't always have enough stuff to fill the day, especially during the summer. Combine that with my occasional employment inadequacies and my absolute inability with most crafts and sometimes I feel really useless around here.

So for a while this summer as I was working on my most genius idea ever I took pictures every day. Just to mark my progress and prove that I did do something at least a little bit useful and productive that day and all this summer. Looking them over later was kind of fun, so I made some videos for your enjoyment . . . and, of course, for you to gush over and tell me how awesome I am, lol. (j/k!)

Hey, need to entertain a bored child for a minute? (preferably a pretty young one) See if they can guess what the picture is before it's done! :-)




So that's me being productive. Actually, I've done three more since these that I haven't taken pictures of . . . because great merciful crap, I'm going to have to forget about the whole stock piling thing for a while! I don't know what's in the water right now, but it's making severe dehydration look appealing if you know what I mean. And for crying out loud, couldn't ONE of you please have a girl?! I try to stick pretty gender neutral with these things, but I can't imagine anyone appreciating the lady bug and frog prince set as a gift for their baby boy. Right now I'm working furiously to have enough done for the upcoming baby showers that are suddenly coming up really swiftly.

Back to work I go. :-)


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I do a lot of Netflix streaming on the weekends while I stitch. So I watch a lot of old TV shows . . . since that's, like, all they have on Netflix instant. Lately (in addition to Twilight Zone) it's been some Rocky and Bullwinkle. And that show is seriously a lot funnier than I remember . . . and I remember it as pretty funny! Frankly my jaw is still on the floor from "Tune in next time for Fuels Rush In or Star Spangled Boner!" I mean - how did they get away with that? And this storyline? Holy fortune telling, Batgirl!