Maybe I Was Who the Broncos Needed A Couple Weeks Ago

(*I only have a vague idea of why the reference in my title is clever, but I'm still gonna go with it.)

So we started Valentine's Day (or rather, school Valentine's, which was two days ago because of parent-teacher-conferences) on a rather depressing note.  Ladies and gentlemen, I have now officially outgrown my FOURTH formal dress . . . and all four in the freaking shoulders.  And it's really obnoxious.  I mean, I know I've gained a few pounds in the last few years, but that was definitely not what was preventing me from getting my McGyver-zipper up Wednesday morning.  No, it's because apparently I'm some sort of mutant with the shoulders of a football player that are freakishly never going to stop growing.  GAH!

Before we move on, let's just take a moment to appreciate the irony (that I know is in there somewhere) of the way my mother always wanted (and sometimes succeeded) to dress me in massive shoulder pads back in the day.  Because it wasn't enough that I look(ed) like a football player who was off the field - no, I should have been dressing in their full gear.  Seriously, of all the fads that need to stay in the eighties, massive shoulder pads are at the top of the list.

Anyway.

I know you've all been looking forward to my annual Valentine's post.  And by that, of course, I mean I've been marveling once again at the willingness of parents to spend hundreds of dollars on candy that their kids are just going to give away.  Should we ever be in that place, that is so not happening.

Anyway.  Again.

There isn't as much to show (off?) this time around because I'm noticing a bit of a sameness from year to year - always a pile of candy, always some generic cards, even the craziness of every single card including candy is getting a little monotonous.  Still a little bizarre, but also a little monotonous.  But either way, behold:

Okay, this one gets awesome points.  If you can't read it, it says "here's looking at you, squid."  And while I have no idea if this is some character from some show I should know in order to keep up with elementary school cred I've been working so hard to build, this one wins the Lacey Loves Bad Puns and Famous Movie Quotes competition.  Second grade gets the gold!!

(side note: is it just me, or is the US SUCKING in Sochi?  Ho.  Ly.  Crap.)

Can someone explain to me what Monster High is?  I'd never heard of it before this year, but back at Halloween they were a majorly popular costume among the third-grade-and-lower set, and clearly the popularity has not waned in the last four months.  Again, I'm losing all my hard earned cred here.

Also from the things-I've-never-seen-before file.  I have no idea what this is or where to get more of them . . . but I got two and they're rather delicious, so if anyone knows where to hook me up . . .

And in this year's fourth-graders-try-to-spell-my-name file.  Not pictured: the one that said "Mrs. Lassy Ms. Lasy"  Points for trying all around, fourth grade, but it looks like you'll be finishing just shy of the podium.

Speaking of points for trying . . . this one is not chocolate.  Sad day.  It is also not real, which I thought it was for a moment when she handed it to me yesterday.  Very sweet, but now I feel guilty about having no use for a single pink silk rose.  Also, note the correct spelling.  My name appears to have been on the class list again this year in second grade - because there's no way every last one of them would get it right, lol.

Very sweet note, but also a little confusing.  I work with the kids who are, shall we say, behind in class.  Which this girl is most emphatically not (as evidenced by the part where she's a fourth grader who spelled my name correctly, lol).  I've actually worked with her personally perhaps six times all year.  She's a bright girl though, really cute.  Reminds me a little bit of fourth grade me.  And major points for the cute little magnetic notepad inside.  Creative, and convenient since we were getting low on grocery lists, of which I've come to prefer the magnetic-stuck-to-the-fridge kind.


In other news, FOUR DAY WEEKEND, YAY!!!!!!!!!

Also, no more days off until spring break, BOO!  March at school is just endless and long and awful.  Every other month has at least one break in it.  March feels like it will never end.  The next six weeks will find everyone tired and burned out and ready to just sleep for a week.  At least once we come back from spring break things are as good as over, right?




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Seems fitting for both Valentine's and the Olympics. :-)  Side note: am I the only one who ever wondered why the soundtrack for this movie had "Journey to the Past" in Spanish as a bonus track?  Wouldn't it have made more sense to have the Russian version?

Just a Note

I haven't blogged much this year . . . have I?  which is rather interesting considering this has been the best year of my life, at least since I started this blog - and possibly ever.

Which is a very interesting thing, philosophically.  Or something.  One would think that more good news/happier year = more blogging . . . right?  I don't know.  But it sounds intellectual.

Anyway.  Taking a moment to look back

on a year that has, at times, seemed longer than average

I just thought I'd take a second to wish everyone a happy new year.  And give you an amazing, seriously life-changing present.  BEHOLD!:

You're welcome.  :-)  Seriously though, how geniusly, awesomely helpful is that?!


But anyway.  It's been fun this year.  See you all (hopefully around here more) next year.

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You've probably already seen this as it's been working on its viral status, but my mind is still pretty blown so I think it's a good way to finish the year.

You Live for the Fight When That's All That You've Got

So that song's been in my head for a couple of days now for completely unrelated but incredibly awesome reasons.  But it's a pretty good description of how we've been living around here the last couple of years.

Less so the last couple of months.

We haven't really mentioned it to a lot of people because there were so many potential ways things could go wrong and I got a little . . . superstitious, I guess is the best word.  But now, today, on Thanksgiving . . . it's too exciting a secret to keep.

 So apparently at Convergys they have this policy where if you're talking to someone and the calls drops for some reason you're supposed to call them back.  Except sometimes the policy is you're not supposed to call them back.  And it, like, goes back and forth.  Because that makes sense, right?

Anyway.

Back at the end of July Luke go this call from this lady whose internet for her business wasn't working.  And she was . . . rather unhappy about it.  And trying to do several things at once so she kept dropping her phone.  In fact, she'd previously been talking to someone else Luke worked with, and then after that call dropped she called back and got Luke.  And was not pleasant.  And the call dropped again.  And Luke didn't know what the policy about calling back was at that particular time, but he decided to call her back since he knew the situation and then no one else would have to get yelled at.

Long story short, he couldn't fix the problem but he was able to get the lady calmed down - to the point that she actually offered him a job working for her because she liked how well he handled things so much.  Which at first seemed to both of us a little To Good To Be True (tm) but the website she gave him was (and is) quite legit and the money she quoted was so good as to qualify for ridiculous, so in the end we thought, why not?  Worst case scenario, it's a total scam and we waste some time.

Long story shorter, it wasn't a scam.  Luke has been working part time for C Three since August, he left Convergys last week, and goes full time at C Three on Monday.  And that is what we're dedicating our feast to today.

I have no idea what exactly he does now.  It involves energy . . . and analytics . . . and stuff.  It makes sense when Luke explains it, but not quite enough for me to turn around and explain it to someone else.  So, you know, he's a transponster.  Or something. 

Anyway . . . we're kind of over the moon.  Like I mentioned back in April we've made a few changes to the way we money around here and a few other things too, and we're pretty sure this is the cosmic, spiritual, good-karmic result.  Honestly, this is the best year we've had since we've known each other.  Everything is falling into place, and thankful doesn't even begin to cover it.


Anyway.

so I'll just say that we've had these moments

and these moments

and there will probably be more . . . but for now we're just thankful to feel more secure, and like we really can move forward with all the plans we've been making for the last six years.  Because we're coming up on the six year anniversary of when we got engaged - which is almost as trippy as the part where high school was *cough*way-too-long-ago-and-we'll-not-mention-numbers-again*cough* . . . oy.

 And then there's the part where this is the first Thanksgiving we've ever had where neither one of us has to work.  That's pretty awesome.  (dude, we haven't even had Thanksgiving dinner on Thanksgiving Day most years . . . )



Happy Thanksgiving, everybody!  (or Thanksgivukkuh if you're Eric)



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Such a tragedy that somehow we missed this one when I was a kid.  But we'll be watching it tonight while we eat our pie.  Someone decided we needed four.  For the two of us. (hint: it wasn't me)  On the plus side, at least we'll still have plenty of dessert if the orange-brownies-from-pinterest experiment I decided to go with this year flops.

Bottom of the Well

As far as costume drama goes, especially around here, I suppose this year wasn't bad.  All that happened was that I couldn't think of anything.  At all.  For, like, three months.  It appears that three years of awesome costumes are all it takes to completely bleed my creativity dry.

Well, either that or my truly genius but completely unfeasible idea of having Katie go in for me and tell the kids she was me dressed up as her was all the creativity I was good for this year.

Anyway.  Trips to DI, trips to Halloween City, trips to every store in town that has a Halloween section (even if they do put that section on clearance in freaking August) and the brilliance, cleverness, silliness, and originality continued to elude me.  However, I had my eye on the only school/Mormon kosher hippie costume they had at Halloween city as a sort of backup and finally caved and went to get it . . . only to discover I'd striven for genius a touch too long and it was completely gone.  So I had to fall back on my backup for my backup (which, I suppose just by having, I must have known subconsciously that I would end up going with).  Which was not terrible.  Just not as original as I would have liked.  (seriously - one of the 5th graders had the exact same thing)

So.  Without further ado, behold Lacey's Halloween 2013 Costume

Can I just say I've kind of hated every picture taken of me for the last little while?  But I'm posting it anyway.  Keepin' it real around here.

One with the flash to catch all the sparkle (and fully capture my talent in wearing three different shades of BLACK!).

One without the flash . . . and also without such an emphasis on my butt . . . can you tell who took these?

And one more because I like it better than the first one, except for the part where it doesn't quite show the whole picture.


So, costume pros:

~ Easy to put together
       ~ Especially since I (originally) planned to just pull out the same all black ensemble I used as a cat a couple of years ago.

~ Impossible to get mistaken for something else (until all the kids started calling me a fairy when I was thinking of myself as a butterfly).

~ A wonderful excuse to randomly go get some glitter hairspray and body glitter yesterday. (I promise you could see it in person.)

~ Minimal effort required.

~ Cheap(ish).

Costume cons:

~ While pulling out my previous black costume base would have been perfect if my schedule were what is was last year, I was lucky enough to get that extra hour . . . which involves being outside in the cold approximately twenty years before the sun comes up (at least this week).  And since the wings wouldn't really work over a jacket . . . well, hooray for cheap, long sleeved, black shirts at thrift stores (which need to be washed before they are promptly returned to the thrift store because it has been quite copiously covered in glitter).

~ I suppose this could go in the pro column but I don't want to put it there: posture enhancement.  As in, it's impossible to slump or hunch even the slightest bit in this costume because the elastic bands holding the wings on would cut off circulation to your arms.  Seriously, would it have killed them to put one more inch in those things?

~ Maneuverability.  Going through doors was not quite the problem I expected.  I had to sidle through some, but for the most part the wings have enough flap in them that I could just walk through.  The narrow "hallways" created in the spook alley however . . . well, let's just say the wings only made it through the spook alley maybe four times.  I put them back on for lunch and then the parade though.  Which leads me too . . .

~ SERIOUSLY, would it have killed them to give those arm bands or whatever one more freaking inch of elastic?!  Pretty sure I managed to pull every muscle in my shoulders and upper back in taking those things on and off all day.



I was kind of a hit again though.  Especially the glitter on my face/hair.  (I'm thinking about pulling it back out for Valentine's Day . . . lol)

A few highlights:

5th graders chickening out at the bottom of the stairs when the lights are ON . . . only to be followed by 1st graders going through with the lights off and loving it.

Conversation between me and a nervous third grader -
Me: Would I let anything get you?
Him: No!
Me: Would Ms. Sorenson let anything get you?
Him: Umm, no.
Me: Would Mrs. Bodily let anything get you?
Him: (thinks for a moment) I don't know.
*third grader proceeds to go through a lights-on spook alley with his arms wrapped around my waist the whole time and whimpering*
At the end -
Me: Now was that so bad?
Him: No!  I wasn't even scared at all!
Other third grader at the same time: YES!!  That was the scariest thing I've ever done in my LIFE!

Yeah . . . the lights were on and all the spooks had their masks raised and were smiling and waving at them.  Terrifying, let me tell you.


Cleopatra was a hugely popular costume this year.  As in at least seven kids chose it, and one teacher.  And all but maybe two of them were this one.  Including the teacher in the adult version (and another teacher wore it last year.  Crazy, huh?)  And three Medusas, two kids and a teacher.  Apparently I missed the memo where all the girls were going with intellectual/historical costumes this year.

Second graders screaming in terror at the Garbage Monster . . . and then telling him that they're his biggest fans.

Good times.



In other news, I don't like to brag . . . but unless your Primary Program also involved flying monkeys I'm pretty sure ours (this past Sunday) was better.

Toward the end they were singing "A Child's Prayer" which, for those who don't know, has two verses that can be sung together to form a lovely counterpoint.  For the counterpoint I was leading one of the groups of kids and around that time one of the Sunbeams decided she was done.  So she left, ran down to her mom, grabbed her stuffed monkey, and came to sit with me as she often does because we're old pals from nursery.  However, we were still singing so she couldn't climb into my lap immediately.  So instead, right on the last line of the song, she tosses the monkey as high as she can in the air.  It was funny enough to those of us close enough to see the whole thing, but I'm told that everyone who only saw a monkey randomly flying high were rather amused too. 

Then there were the five years olds sitting behind the bishopric and singing so loud the bishopric had to lean forward in their seats.

And the part where people were saying it was the best Primary Program they'd ever been too . . . and can I just say I really wish there a job somewhere on the planet where I could use that as an achievement because while writing it was a group effort that's seriously the closest I've gotten to using my degree.

On that note, I've been in Primary for a year now - and I'm starting to feel like I know what I'm doing.  A little bit.  Ish.  Yay.

So all in all it's been a pretty good week.  And next week I don't have to go to work at midnight anymore, so it should be pretty good to, even if I do have to pull out my coat.  Seriously though, it occurred to me right around the time I was in the middle of the street in front of the school this morning that I was wearing all black, the sun wasn't even beginning to pretend to come up yet, and crossing the street was perhaps not the safest thing to be doing.  Good thing I looked both ways, eh?



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Every clip I could find of Disney's Sleepy Hollow short, no matter how brief, has had embedding disabled . . . how obnoxious is that?!  This shall have to do instead.

Little Holiday Things

No half pound of toblerone this year . . . which is seriously depressing, lol.  But I'll gladly take being told I should be a model when I was all dressed up yesterday in exchange. (today was a half day so most of the Vamlumtimes serious times took place yesterday)

Side note:  I just added Vamlumtimes to the spell check.  I feel like I should be ashamed of that or something . . . but no.

Anyway.  Here's the awesome.

I just could not get my camera to take a picture where you could see the words better, but this one says "you make my heart bounce."  And it was accompanied by a couple of pink bouncy balls.  And I"m still giggling.  I'm kind of surprised this kid didn't come up with it by himself, because he's one who could, but he said his mom helped him.  Luke's thinking pinterest, but his mom has come in to help out a few times and it wouldn't surprised me if she came up with it herself.  Either way, it is exactly my style of humor.

(random side note again: our carpet looks a lot greener in these pictures than it does in reality.  it's much more of a green blue . . . and I'm sure you were all dying to know that!)

Speaking of precisely my type of humor . . .

Can you tell that the second grader on the right and the fourth grader on the left are brothers?  :-)

The fourth grader, explaining why I got the flutter-puppy
 valentine: "I know girls usually like butterflies and men just really don't usually, so I gave all the girls the butterflies and the men got skeletons."  Again, still laughing.

Probably a good thing that this kid didn't identify themselves.  They have absolutely become my favorite and now I don't have to worry about accidentally showing it.  It's just too bad the Perry the Platypus is missing.  :-)

 Get it?!?!?!  It says "you're tops!" and it's a TRICERATOPS!!!  More perfect Lacey humor!!!

And it's holographic!  I love it!

I also love capturing it halfway . . . ummmmmmmm . . . holograph . . . 'd?

So I got some of these yesterday and some today.  This one came today, and the giver made sure I knew yesterday that I was only waiting because she "wanted to make all the teachers' valentines extra special."  And I've got to say, she got it pretty spot on.  First, I totally melted when I read it (in case you can't read it: "your 1 of the best teachers"  it took me a moment to decipher!).  Second, brilliant move in writing over the wretched redesigned monstrosity of a princess.

Yeah, seriously, don't get me started on the new redesigns.  It's bad enough the poor girls all look like survivors of a glitter factory explosion, poor Cinderella here has gone from looking like she was modeled after Grace Kelly (which she was) to looking like one of the cheap knock-off characters designed for the movies that knock off her own movie.  Epic fail.

But like I said, don't get me started.

Anyway.

Pretty sure this one forgot about me, and then saw the bag the teacher had out for me and grabbed the nearest pink paper he could find.  On the other hand, I kind of think my name must have been on the list because . . .

I'm really impressed with the ability of almost all the second graders to get my name right.

While the fourth graders?  Were all over the place.  As per usual.  (yes, that says L-A-S-Y)


And finally

Delivered last night by some darling little Primary kiddies.  Maybe I'm not doing a terrible job.  :-)

On the other hand, while I recognized them as soon as I opened the door, I couldn't have named them if my life depended on it until I read the names.  Of course, I know their names quite well . . . but don't ask me to point them out to you on Sunday because I couldn't do that either.  Stupid Disney and their name tags really killed my ability to remember names and faces together.  And the "remember these four people's names for ten minutes and then remember four completely new people's names for ten minutes and then never think about any of them again for the rest of your life" thing at tank probably didn't help either.


In other news: parent-teacher conferences + President's Day = FOUR DAY WEEKEND!!!!  YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  (condolences, Katie . . . at least you get three days, lol)


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So I was looking for some cutesy silly Valentine's Day thing to put here . . . but then I got distracted by the best thing ever.  You're welcome.

No Sign of Laying Geese

Some random thoughts for the sixth day of Christmas.

~ New Christmas tradition - waffles and peppermint ice cream for breakfast.  How genius is that?!  Team Jayla give the best presents. :-)

~ Speaking of the best presents, Epic Mickey kinda rocks.  (that said - Sarah, do you think you could send Trevor up this way for a while?  It's also kinda kicking my butt.)

~ Love the part where we had a foot or so of snow for Christmas.  Not so much the part where the temperature hasn't gotten above freezing since it stopped snowing.  Every time my car starts I do a little happy dance.  (On the other hand, she is lacking a passenger side door panel now.  Blargh.)

~ Holy crap there's a lot of stuff to do to get Primary ready for a new year.  On the plus side, I will be the only one in the presidency who knows all the Sunbeams' names next week . . . of course, I've only gotten a handful of the other kids' names down.  Working for Disney totally ruined me when it comes to remembering names.

~ Pretty sure Netflix was invented so that people could marvel over just how young a certain Mark-Paul Gosselaar was in 1989.  And the epic-ness that was Richard Dean Anderson's mullet.  Sometimes I wish I remembered a bit more of the '80s.


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I defy you to come up with a more brilliantly hysterical video.  Seriously.

Not Quite a Whimper

Soooooooooo . . . we're down to just a few more days until Christmas and I am feeling decidedly un-Christmasy.  In fact, I don't think I've ever felt less in the Christmas spirit.

Honestly, I've just had an off month.  It got off to a rather inauspicious start, what with being only 5,000 words off from what I was shooting for.  I mean, if I wasn't going to pull it off I think I'd've rather been way off.  25 or 30 thousand is no where near 50, but at least it's a decent attempt.  On the other hand - 45,000?  That's just taunting.  But I came up against the worst case of writer's block known to man . . . or at least the worst case I've ever had.  The third week was rough, and the last week of November it was like I just slammed into a brick wall.   No idea what happened . . . but it wasn't pretty.

And then there was the part where my grandma died the day before Thanksgiving (because, yeah, that happened).  And the part where this Primary calling thing is making me feel utterly inept at doing anything more complicated than curling up in my corner and reading.  And the part where it's apparently a crap shoot as to whether or not my car will start in the mornings when it's single digits outside.  And the part where life decided that just holding up a neon sign that says "you will never fit in" wasn't enough and started beating me over the head with it a couple of weeks ago.

And while all of those are relatively minor things in the grand scheme of things, especially compared to everything else that's been going on in the world since the beginning of time - and I know they're all varying degrees of minor - they all feel like very big deals right now.

So in an attempt to feel a little more holiday-ish I thought I would bring a little laughter to everyone . . . except there has been a bit of a shortage of funny stories happening at school lately.  Instead, here's one that (to me, at least) feels a bit more like a riddle at the moment.

So a certain (Ezekiel) who's class I was in back in second grade is in my fourth grade class this year.  And the logic level seems to be about the same.  Also, he seems to be happily taking the place of a certain (Eric) who's in fifth grade this year so I never see him.  I'm sure he's moved on to new (and hopefully more age appropriate) crushes.  But last week (Ezekiel) comes up to me and says, "Miss Lacey, I'm you're little honey bunny, huh?"

To which my reply was something to the effect of "splutter . . . stammer . . . what- wait- ummmmm . . . hurry up and get in line, it's time for prep."

Because I speak with the eloquence of (I don't know, but when I went to google for suggestions it auto-completed with "the eloquence of a hedgehog," so I'mma go with that) when I'm caught off guard like that.

Dude.  Who are we kidding, I speak with the eloquence of a hedgehog on a daily basis.

Anyway.  A little while back (Ezekiel) and I had a conversation about him getting into trouble in which he said that Trouble was his middle name.  So now I will occasionally call him Trouble.  As, you know, one does.

And then the day after he referred to himself as my little honey bunny he referred to the two of us - him and me - as "Mr. and Mrs. Trouble."

I feel like I should be laughing by now . . . but I'm still a little speechless.  Constant hugs I can handle.  Lasting-just-a-little-bit-too-long hugs, whatever.  Mr. and Mrs. Trouble?  That, I'm a little weirded out by.


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Everybody always needs a little more joy.  The trippier the better.  So glad Luke hunted this down for me!!!

Shoppocrites

So who's been shopping in the last twelve hours?  Yeah, not me.

I've gone Black Friday shopping exactly once, and while it's not something I would do again, I did not have a terrible time.  I did find myself getting up at 5:00 in the morning when I didn't get home from work until after midnight . . . what can I say, people do crazy things when they're in crush.  (I myspace blogged all about it . . . I may have to post it sometime, it's one of the more amusing ones.)

Anyway.  My little excursion was back when Black Friday was just insane. not indecent.  Yeah, have you heard about that?  About the part where Black Friday starts Thursday morning now?  In a nutshell, I agree with everything everyone has been saying.  Greedy, thoughtless, inappropriate and really not fair to the minimum wage peons who have no choice but to skip Thanksgiving and show up in order to make sure there's still something to eat on Saturday.

But on the other hand . . . I don't really have a lot of patience for the people saying it's not right.  If the whole "biting my tongue" thing were literal I'm pretty sure I would have bitten it off by now because I've watched at least half a dozen conversations happen on facebook where friends posted a status about wanting to have a low key Thanksgiving and what should they do - and the answers poured in.  Go out to eat.  Go to a movie.  Go out and eat pizza or at Taco Bell or whatever and at the end, yay for you, no cooking and no big clean up job!

I'm sorry, where is the outrage for the people at the restaurant who don't get to spend Thanksgiving with their family because you're too lazy to cook?  What about the anger for the employees of the movie theater who have to leave their turkey early so you can go to your movie?  Why am I apprently the only one who thinks that's just as wrong?

It's just so amazing how good humanity is at dehumanizing people when we don't want to be considerate of others.  I mean, how's this for an actual thing to overhear - "I would never go out to eat on Thanksgiving.  Those poor people deserve to have the day off and be with their families too."

Said whilst the speaker was at Walt Disney World.  On Thanksgiving.  Where I was working.  On Thanksgiving.  Apparently her level of consideration went beyond retail workers to include waitresses and cooks . . . but I was still just a robot.  Because apparently any job that involves something you aren't doing on a holiday is a travesty, but if it involves the way you want to celebrate then forget your right to celebrate a holiday you minimum wage peon, get over here and get me my churro!

Not to mention it goes without saying that the fact that all these restaurants and theaters and stores are open is the whole reason why Luke has had to work almost every holiday for the last four years.  Where's the indignation about the fact that with all these places open the tech support places have to be open because heaven forbid something happens to those places internet or cable.

Obviously a line in the sand has been drawn, but I can't say that it's the right place in the sand, or even an effective place.  If people working at Walmart want to strike, all power to them.  But as long as there's a double standard where it's okay for some people not to get to spend Thanksgiving or Christmas or whatever at home the way they want to but not for others, I don't see anything changing.  Give it a few more years and stores will be open for normal hours all day on Thanksgiving.  And the only people who will have holidays off will be the people with the cushy corner office jobs, or the paper pushing cubicle drones who work at places that don't sell anything so it doesn't make a difference whether there open on any one particular day.

Because seriously, how hypocritical is that people will protest stores being open on Thanksgiving, but there's nothing wrong with people who work at hotels having to go to work?  Why is it okay that pilots and flight attendants spend the day taking others to be with their families, but not getting to be with their own?  I mean, obviously emergency personnel need to be on call just in case . . . but why do news anchors have to show up?  Either the holiday is for everyone or it's not.  And I'm thinking anymore they're just . . . not.



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So apparently this is what English sounds like to people who don't speak it.  It's nothing but gibberish, but your brain keeps trying to make sense of it - I keep hearing actual words . . . pizza, cold, ice, my eyes . . . it's kinda crazy awesome.

The Top Ten. Again. Already.

So it's, like, the end of November again.  When did that happen?  Anyway.  Here ya go.  Ten random thankful things.

1. Nepotism.  Which will be on the list until I have a job that wasn't acquired through it.

2. The fact that as Primary Secretary I never have to teach.

3. A year of interesting meals instead of lots of mac&cheese.  Yay Pinterest!

4. Cheap artificial Christmas trees.  Because ours broke last year.  :-(  I'd rather have a real one . . . but then again, we have nowhere to put one that big.  Yet.

5. The fact that the whole nanowrimo thing has not driven me insane.

6. And the part where it's looking like I'll actually pull it off.  YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

7. And the part where I never have to teach Primary even if one of the other presidency people will be gone.  YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

8. Recipes for homemade Starbucks caramel apple cider in the crock pot.  Assuming it tastes as good once I actually try it.  Because if it does I will be making it, like, everyday this winter.

9. Have I mentioned that I NEVER have to teach in Primary??  Because just the thought of it still makes me do a happy dance.  (especially since I'm still a little lost as to what I am supposed to do . . . )

10. Team Jayla taking one for the team and having a baby.  With any luck they just bought us at least two years of peace.  Or at least less harassment.  Woot. :-)


Addendum/bonus #11: being able to write blog posts days in advance and save them in case you're not feeling quite so thankful on the actual holiday.  Worst timing for having a cold/hacking up a lung ever . . . on at least a dozen levels.


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You know, Thanksgiving is sadly lacking TV specials.  But you've gotta give props to Garfield's for acknowledging the reality that anymore it's less about the "Thanksgiving" and more about the "Turkey Day."  (see point 2:30)  And it's just cute.  Make sure you watch the second half.

Oh, There You Are Halloween.

????  No idea whatsoever.



As we all know, it's just not Halloween around here unless there is some sort of costume drama, no matter how minor.  So here's this year's story.

Back in August we popped into DI for a little while to kill some time before catching a movie.  At which point the brilliant idea occurred to me - hey, school is starting soon, and when school starts it's practically Halloween and I need an awesome Halloween costume and stuff at DI is cheap so I should totally look for a costume here and now.

So I did.  And on the rack of white dresses I found this great one - part of the '70s retro pioneer-ish looking style era.  (and can I just take a moment to ask the people who were around then - what was up with that fashion trend?  was it just because Little House on the Prairie was so popular or what?)

Anyway.  Just as I found it, we had to leave in order to catch the movie on time, so I just figured I come back quickly and check it out.  I'm sure you all know where this is going . . . yeah, it was totally gone.  But there  were a couple of others, while not quite as awesome and perfect, that would do quite well.

They didn't fit.  Too small.

So I tried on a couple of the cute, cheap wedding dresses (because if I'm'a spend seventy bucks on a Halloween costume I'm getting an actual Halloween costume, you know?).

Too small.

So I tried on some '80s-tastic-ish looking formal dresses.

TOO FREAKING SMALL.

At this point, allow to mention that not only have I apparently developed the shoulders of a football player on steroids somehow over the last four-ish years - I have also apparently developed the hips of an ancient fertility goddess statue somewhere along the line as well.  Seriously, when did that happen?  HOW did that happen?!?!  I thought that sort of thing was supposed to stop when you hit, like, 20 or whatever.  GAH!!!!

(specifically not mentioning: how I recently emptied out literally half of my wardrobe, some of it because I just don't wear it any more but most of it because I'm finally being honest with myself and admitting I'm never going to fit into it again.  and then Plato's Closet wouldn't take a thing.  I very nearly cried and considered eating several pounds of chocolate because I felt so very fat.)

Now to clarify, all these clothes-trying-on incidents were not all on the same day.  By this point it was the end of September and I was feeling the whispers of last year's "oh crap" mode.  So DI became the place with the motto of "abandon hope all ye who enter here" which was kind of sad seeing as it's provided some key costume pieces the last couple of years (well, only so far as one considers "pants" or "a shirt" key, lol).  And just to prove how desperate I was suddenly feeling, we actually went to check out the Halloween City store.  Yeah, having no idea even of what to do I was feeling slightly frantic.  But we went, and it is a fun store to wander around in.  Even if it is long on Slut-oween costumes and short on school-kosher/Mormon-kosher costumes.  There were a few, and even some I really kind of liked . . . but I was a bit hesitant to drop fifty buck on a costume even though Luke was willing to splurge.

Then . . . the miracle happened.  At least that's what it seemed like.  See, we went in on one of the first days after they opened, so most of the stuff they had out was leftover inventory from last year because they hadn't gotten a lot of the new stuff yet.  And in the hat/accessory aisle there just happened to be one brown, perfect fedora.  And having just come from Hastings (since it's right next door) I had my awesome, brilliant, huge hit of an idea.

A-GENT P!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  (if you didn't sing that in your head, I'm not sure we can remain friends)

So we snatch up the fedora, and Hastings has the t-shirt with Perry's face on it but we go back and check and it's a decidedly blue colored shirt and Perry is decidedly turquoise in color so I decide to look online for a truly, accurately, tinted tunic.

You may have noticed the shirt I wore today is decidedly blue.

Perry noticed too.


A couple of things I've learned this month:

1: this exact shirt, when sold in a child's size is accurately colored.  There does not exist a correctly colored version in adult sizes.  Anywhere.

2: the amazon seller from which I ordered mine probably put up a picture of a child's shirt because depicted a turquoise colored shirt in both picture and verbal description.  I? Am kind of heartbroken.

At this point we're talking about, like, ten days ago on our little time line, so I do my best to make a lemonade or whatever.  (but really, couldn't life give you limes once in a while?  I really rather prefer limeade.) Having already planned on wearing the pants you see here - because let's face it, the odds of finding pants in the right color are slim to none and I'd really rather continue to believe that such a pair of pants doesn't actually exist - I decided to go with the costume "Perry the Slightly Off-Color Platypus."  At least in my head.

Perry approves.  So we're friends again.  :-)


Anyway.  As I mentioned, I was a hit.  Again.  :-)

I hadn't even been in the building five minutes before I heard whispers coming from the kindergartners lining up to go down to the spook alley.  Perry! Perry the Platypus! It's Perry! Look, she's Perry the Platypus! 

It's always nice to have your day made the moment it starts.

Also - did I mention that I have three second graders that all have Perry shirts?  (one of whom has my exact shirt except IN THE RIGHT COLOR! GRRRRRR!)  It just so happens that all their names start with a letter that rhymes with P so when one of them wears his shirt I call them Agent D/G/T and they get a huge kick out of it.  I got the impression that I may have made their lives today, lol.

It was a great day.  Even the older kids new who I was and thought I was pretty awesome.  I spent the morning scaring kids as a pair of disembodied hands reaching for them.  Then the fog machine fumes gave me a bit of a migraine (can you tell from the pictures?  I look almost as bad as I did in the Yellowstone pics!  Gah!) so after lunch I switched out and escorted just in time to have a bunch of second and third graders clinging to me and making it hard to walk.  So, you know, business as usual.  Right down to the second grade boys who act all tough every day in class but only moved through the whole thing because I pretty much did the walking for them.  But once we got out of course, one of them was all "that wasn't even scary" while the other one was still talking about how he wanted his mom while he was in there.  (I will admit these were two of my favorites even before this, but seriously they are two cuties!)  And then there was the third grade girl who only got about a dozen steps in before she was holding my hand and had her face buried in my side so I had to put my other arm around her just to keep her walking in the right direction.  That was a new one . . . I feel kind of bad.

Fun story with that trip: the spook alley starts by going down stairs to the basement, and it's not uncommon for kids to get to the bottom of the stairs and then bail and run back up and out.  Which happened with another girl who was holding my hand, which is how I had a free hand to guide the other girl the rest of the way through.  Anyway, we get to the end and get out and one of the other girls is like "hey, where's (the girl who bailed)?" but I was the only one who knew she's bailed because we were at the back so the other two adults didn't know where she was and for, like, a split second I didn't know because I haven't worked with any of the third graders since they were in first grade so it took me a second to connect the name to the face of the girl who went back.  So Mary and Katie are just looking at me and it was one of those moments that feels like it lasts for years but was really not even a full second and then I'm all, "oh, she went back at the stairs" and we had our little "oh no, I thought the Garbage Monster might have gotten her" moment.  And it was amusing. 

So it was fun.  And now it's over.  And sometime in the next couple of days I'm going to hit up Halloween City again and snatch up one of those kosher costumes for half price or (hopefully) more and then with any luck there won't be any costume dramas next year (other than, like Downton Abbey or something).  Unless my shoulders and hips manage to double in size again in the next 364 days.  Which I'm beginning to think is not impossible.  :-(


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Best Halloween movie ever, or Absolute Best Halloween movie ever?  We watched it Monday . . . hadn't seen it in years, and I'd forgotten how much I love it.  Either way, this is definitely my favorite part of Mickey's Not-So-Scary Halloween Party.

This Isn't Halloween

So it's been a while since I've gotten in a good old ginormous soap box rant.  And now I'm in the mood for a minor one.

Have you seen this?  It's been several days and I'm still kind of speechless.  Talk about something to put in the "you've got to be kidding" and the "no way no how are we ever having kids in this crazy day and age" files!  I'm not even sure how to rant about this properly.

I mean, in what world could that dress ever be considered a Halloween costume?  Other than, you know, the current "yellow bikini + orange stilettos = Big Bird costume" world we're apparently living in.  (and the whole deal where the only costumes they sell for women cut and cut and cut out fabric to the point that you seriously can't even tell what they're supposed to be is a whole 'nother rant that I shall not get into this year)

Anyway.  That dress?  Is darling.  Some people might have issues with how much it does or doesn't cover, but I see no problem with letting a little girl wear it any day, or every day if she felt like it.  It's a very cute outfit and if she liked it, more power to her.

That dress?  Is not a Cookie Monster costume.  Except perhaps if you call it a Future-Slut-oween-Training-Costume.

The part that is most unbelievable is that the "boy's" costume is clearly the most unisex piece of clothing on the planet.  Seriously, what part of that ensemble screams "boy" to anyone?  Oh wait, I know - it's the part where you can't see the wearer's legs, shoulders, or stomach.

You know what?  I don't care if anyone my age chooses to wear a "sexy" costume . . . even if it is a sexy unidentified dead body costume. (again, the fact that such a costume adds at least a thousand levels of creepy and wrong to the objectification argument is something I'm not even going to touch)  If you, as an informed and autonomous adult choose to go that route for your costume, go for it.  All power to you.

But if you have a problem with adults choosing the skanky costumes - if you don't like the fact that those are almost the only choices available for girls over about the age of ten - perhaps the place to start is the toddler section.  Stuff that happens at that age sticks with you.  Even if it is something as subtle as boys costumes actually look like what they want to be but girls just wear a scrap of fabric in the right color.  Boys dress up for fun, girls dress up to be looked at.

No.  No, no, NO.

If no one buys them for their four-year-olds, fewer of them will be getting picked by 24-year-olds.  And when fewer 24-year-olds want the pirate bikini over the actual pirate costume . . . then things might start to change.



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There are so many great little moments in the holiday specials it's easy to forget about some of them.  Like this one.

Mostly Americans

I don't remember the last time I spent the fourth of July in a way that the average person would call "celebrating."  I worked it every year I was in Florida, and Luke has worked it every year since, so it's very much just another day for us.  Of course, so are Thanksgiving and Christmas and pretty much every other holiday . . . we're both very used to celebrating whenever we can/want regardless of what the calender says or what other people are doing.  As, I imagine, are a lot of people.  I mean, think about it.  The news is on today - that's a very large group of people who didn't get the day off.  Same for all the people selling you couches and cars at Special Independence Day Prices.  And the people who buttered your popcorn when you went to chill out in the air conditioning watching Abraham Lincoln try to make it in Scotland as a vampire stripper (ten points!).

You know, now that I think about it . . . it seems like more people are probably working today than are off.  Maybe a shorter shift, but that's not the same as a day off.  So for a lot of people my Florida "celebration" is probably pretty close - spend an extra-long day having people yell at you for having the audacity to let people other than their group into the park on a holiday, make a quick stop to watch Sam Eagle mostly salute America, and go home and watch reruns on tv because the crowds make the special fireworks show not worth it - unless you get lucky and get to work crowd control, which means more hours/money . . . and more time talking at people who refuse to acknowledge that it's your country and your holiday too, but you're working.

Even before that the fourth wasn't just a party day.  All through high school and college I had at least one obligation, and sometimes two - and even though they were things I chose to do and truly enjoyed, anyone who tries to say it wasn't work has clearly never marched in a parade before (not ridden - marched).  Or tried to turn sheet music pages in 0.4 seconds - when the pages are clothes-pinned to the music stand because of the wind so you have to unclip, turn the page, and reclip.  Again, in less than half a second.  That takes talent, let me tell you . . . and more than a little coordination with your stand partner.  And a lot of being careful when you play the cello that you don't accidentally knock them together.

Which means the last time my fourth of July was a Norman Rockwell painting of backyard barbecues and picnics and camp outs and watching parades and fireworks . . . was more than half my lifetime ago.  Oy.  Good thing that I don't much care, while I love all of those things they have more of a generic "summer" vibe than a specifically "July 4" one.  Even parades - marching 3 or 4 a summer will do that to you.

Well this has gone in completely the opposite direction than I was imagining.  Now I'm just wondering who these people are who have the Norman Rockwell fourth of July.  Seriously . . . where are they hiding?

Me, I think I'll just go play some more Mario Kart. :-)



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For both sides - something patriotic and serious, and something not meant to be taken remotely seriously . . . but that cracks me up every time.

Today's Lesson Is . . .

Never Underestimate the Ability of Americans to Make EVERYTHING Revolve Around Food.

But first.



Huge props to Lora for suggesting such an utterly Lacey-proof solution to the amazing disintegrating zipper. Make note kids, 'cause when you find a fix-it that even I can't screw up . . . you want to hold on that.

But again, all thanks go to Lora for enabling me to go to school yesterday looking absolutely fabulous.

*insert a couple gratuitous pictures of my fabulous self here*


Seriously, how did I not totally make the character auditions? (don't answer that)

A few things:

~ Finally wearing this dress going on twelve years after it was purchased. How CRAZY is that?!?!
~ The kids' reactions upon seeing me = totally better than any high school boy's would have been.
~ Pulled out my curling iron for the first time in at least 2 years (probably more) and learned a couple of thing. 1- the curling iron still works . . . good to know. 2- relearned that my hair really doesn't hold curl well or long without a bit of hairspray. Too bad my mom spent my entire childhood using the stuff like the 80s would never end, otherwise I might be able to stand the it.
~ This shall be my go-to Valentine's dress. Which means it shall also be my motivation to keep in really good shape . . . because I don't think I could gain more than a pound or two and still fit in to this thing.


Moving on to our lesson. I'm sure this has been noted by many people before, but have you noticed how EVERY single holiday in this country revolves around food, no matter what its original purpose was? I mean, think about it -

Halloween - originally a day to honor the spirits of the dead/saints. Now? A day to dress oddly and gather/hoard copious amounts of candy

Thanksgiving - originally a day to thank God for a bountiful year or whatever other blessings one may be so inclined to be thankful for. Now? The day revolves so much around food that some people don't even call it Thanksgiving anymore. In fact, I had a manager at Disney that I sometimes wondered if she even knew that that's what the day was actually called. One time someone said the word "Thanksgiving" in her hearing and she responded with "What? You mean Turkey Day?" Oy.

Christmas - second only to the commercialism is the extravagance of the Christmas feast. And let's not forget the stockings filled with candy.

Easter - while still much more religious than it rapidly secularizing cousin, there's still the big deal made over the Easter Ham or Easter Lamb. And, of course, jelly beans and cadbury eggs. (mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm!!!)

July 4th? Memorial Day? Forgetting the founding of a nation and honoring fallen soldiers - these days are all about the picnics and barbecues. Oh, and furniture sales where the big draw is the "free hot dogs and soft drinks."


And Valentine's Day? Originally a feast to celebrate a Catholic saint, theoretically a day to celebrate all forms of love, these days it is essentially Halloween 2.0. For proof, may I present exhibit A:

Behold the massive haul of deliciously junkie junk I came home with yesterday! On the one hand, I'm not complaining. On the other . . . I just have to say - what the crap?!?!?!?!?! When did it become required to include candy in your valentines? When did the cutesy picture and corny pun move into the realm of "not good enough to be a meaningless token of acknowledgment to classmates, most of whom you either tolerate or actively dislike," you know? Seriously.

I mean, come one. When I was in elementary school, the pile of valentines with candy looked a lot more like my pile from yesterday that was without candy. Behold:

(also note the confusion on how to address me, lol) And can I just note that although none of these came with candy, one, as you can see, is a coupon for a free Krispy Kreme donut, and the other two have tattoos inside.

And again, it appears "just" a valentine is not enough. Is it even possible to buy a box of valentines that doesn't automatically come with either candy or a tattoo? What is up with that?


I'm amazed and a little mind boggled, I must admit . . . but I'm not exactly complaining. Because some of these kids who give their classmates king size candy bars really know how to treat their teachers right. And they (rightly, lol) include people like me in their list of teachers. So I also came home with this:

Oh, baby! And can I just say that if their parents have the money to buy a candy factory for each of their 20-some classmates AND a good half a dozen boxes of Toblerone for the teachers . . . I kind of want to see if they can adopt me and start buying me other things, lol.

Anyway. Come along with me on my entertaining (IMO) series of discoveries from after work yesterday.

I. Got. Beibered. (and I'm still not even sure how to spell his name!) And from an adorably sweet little boy at that! Is there some sub-text to this I'm missing? :-)


Clearly, Luke thinks there is. :-D


Am I supposed to use the box as a Christmas decoration or something when I'm done eating?


HSM is still cool? Who would have thought? Fun fact: the people with whom High School Musical is not popular - high schoolers. College kids/20-somethings? It's a hit . . . don't get me started on the stories I could tell from Disney! Younger kids? Apparently it's still one of the coolest things around. Also - note the wildcat tattoo.


What is that even supposed to mean?



Okay, who's messed up idea was it that bugs are cutesy-lovey-dovey-good for valentines? Seriously! And a ginormous tarantula tattoo?!?!? I. DON'T. THINK. SO. Luke got the bag of goldfish crackers attached to this one. Mostly because I threw the whole thing at him upon seeing the FREAKING GINORMOUS TARANTULA TATTOO.

Again with the bugs! And who would want an earwig tattoo?!?!??!?! I can kind of see a spider - that's all edgy and whatever . . . but an EARWIG?!?!?!?!?! WHY?!?!?!?!?! EEEWWWW!!!!!!!!


Now this is something I can get behind. Cuddly kitties, all snugly and can-haz-cheezburger-y. Tattoo is vaguely creepy looking, but what can you do?


Wait. Wait. WAIT. The Rugrats grew up? The Rugrats can't grow up! By very definition they thereby cease to be rugrats! This is seriously the most illogical thing I've seen in . . . well, a few days at least.


So, in conclusion - food is good. But it's ceasing to be surprising that so many people in this country are wider than they are tall. What do you expect with a collective unconscious that is literally turning every single day of the year into an excuse to gorge on something "special" or whatever? Coming this fall: special edition Talk Like a Pirate Day chocolate oranges. Specially formulated to prevent scurvy!


On that note . . .


Anyone want this one? we won't be anywhere near Orem in the next month.


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Seriously, is there anything lamer than a kisskam? I've always wondered what happens if(when) they get people who aren't together. I mean, you don't know. Maybe they're cousins. Maybe they've just met and are just chatting and getting to know each other. This little girl seriously gets it right.