Modern Marvels

Imagine this: you're driving down the freeway in middle-of-nowhere Nebraska (which has been scientifically proven to be flatter than a pancake) and you pass a sign that says "Monument ahead DO NOT STOP."

Little odd, no?  I mean, don't they usually want you to stop and take a look at monuments that someone took the time to create?  But then you drive a couple more miles and then you see this.

And you kinda get why the sign says not to stop.

That was the story at the end of my family's Mormon pilgrimage summer vacation (I'm oddly conflicted about which phrase to strike out there . . . ) back in 2001.  *insert obligatory moment to note just how freaking long ago that was here*  So naturally we had to stop and see just what the crap this was, even though it wasn't in the plan and it was the end of the trip so we were all pretty exhausted and more than a little sick of each other.

Turns out it's a museum.  And a pretty cool one too.

We didn't spend as much time there as I would have liked, seeing as it was an unscheduled stop and my parents are all about schedules, but we weren't rushed through it either.  The part I remember most was at the end.  While you're inside you can totally forget you're actually on a bridge over a freeway and there are cars speeding under you at seventy-something miles an hour (is the fear of being on a bridge when it collapses a phobia that exists?  I'm pretty sure this place could create it).  But at the end there are a couple of windows and you can see those cars whiz past while right behind you is a display talking about people traveling this same route on covered wagons and how the change from one to the other happened in only just over a  hundred years (1840s to 195-Eisen-whatever).  For some reason that's really stuck with me in the thirteen (oy!) years since.  The speed of advancement once the ball got rolling, you know?  Foot to animal took forever, then animal to wheeled stuff took less of a forever, then motorizing the wheel only took, like, a blink of a forever and then before you know it Montana has no speed limit and then BAM! it does before I get a chance to Autobahn it up to Glacier.

On another note, other technology has, naturally, kept up . . . or at least kept on advancing just as (or more) quickly (thank you Phonecians!).  In the 1840s you pretty much weren't going to see the people you left behind again, and you probably wouldn't be hearing much from them either - depending on where you ended up, anyway.  It might even be a year before they knew whether you made it without dying of dysentery or something. (side note: need that shirt!!)

Fast forward to the 80s when my parents (and I) moved from Washington to Idaho.  Not quite as far, but still far enough to have blown some 1840s minds if we'd told them we could make the trip in a day.  A very long day . . . but a day.  But still there was no way for my grandparents to know we hadn't all died of dysentery car crash or vanished into some sort of black hole until we got there, got moved in, got a phone line set up, and called everyone they knew (because as I understand it, they couldn't just text everyone their new phone number way back then) to let them know they were here and how to contact them.  But still, only a couple of days to get there and let everyone left behind know we were there.

Fast forward a bit more . . . I'm planning on instagramming our entire trip.  And updating my facebook status every time we stop for gas.  Not only will everyone we know know when we arrive (and pretty much the moment we do), the people we're crashing with will know almost exactly when to expect us the day we're heading to their place.  And if we do get sucked into one of those black holes?  There will be literally at least a hundred people who know roughly what area to start the search and exactly how long it's been since we were accounted for.

How amazing is that?!?!

It must have been nice to be able to let your kids just run all sorts of amok until it got dark, and it certainly must have been tons cheaper to grow your own non-chemically-infested food . . . but I'll take living in the here and now over pretty much any other time.  Because here and now is pretty freaking cool.


P. ost  S. cript
I wanted to post the cheese episode because it's eriously my favorite, but I'm having some trouble finding it.  I suppose this one will have to do instead.  :-)

Ode to Thirty

Also known as my second twenty-ninth birthday.  Because

Yeah, that sounds about right.  Anyway.

Starin' out into the wild blue yonder
So many thoughts to sit and ponder
'Bout life and love and wonderment of
And this craziness in my heart

Too old to be wild and free still
Too young to be over the hill
Should I try to grow up
But who knows where to start

So I just sit right here and have myself another snowcone
Do my best to waste another day
Sit right here and have another homemade snowcone
Let the packed boxes melt any blues away

Sun comes up and sun sinks down
And I seen 'em both in this two-horse town
Up for days wishin' for a raise

 Or just a job that is full time

From the answers and the reasons why
I'm at these crossroads in my life
And I think I mostly know

 Which way to fly

So I just sit right here and take another trip to the library
Do my best to waste another day
Sit right here and stack the books two feet high
Let the crappy novels (these days) melt any blues away

Maybe I'll settle down, have babies
Or stay kid-less and stay free
Which road I travel
Is still (slightly) a mystery to me

So I just sit right here and cross another square off the calendar
Do my best not to waste another day
Sit right here and grasp at straws for one more line
Let the passage of time melt any blues away

P. ost.  S. cript

 Apparently Kenny Chesney employs time traveling songwriters that steal from blogs.  Because that's a much more interesting explanation than saying I heard the song a couple weeks ago for the first time in ages and totally identified with it.

 

Another Excursion into Anglophilia (And Alliteration!)

In which we visit once more why Lacey thinks other countries (specifically England) are pretty freaking cool and she needs to use that passport more.  Why?  Because OLYMPICS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! that's why.  (no time stamps on this one.  it's not the same when it starts at 6:30 in the evening your time.)

~ I love "Danny Boy."

~ Hey, it's "Guide Me O Thou Great Jehovah" again . . . except not only is it different words than the "MoTab" version, I'm pretty sure they're also different than the ones they sang at the royal wedding.  Color me confused.

~ Hello Kenneth Branagh.  You're my hero . . . even after sitting through a three-days long Hamlet. (it's really good . . . it just doesn't end!)

~ Soooooooooooooo . . . one of the Weird Sisters from Macbeth just called forth the Industrial Revolution.  Or something.

~ Yeah, those dudes in Dickens-y fancy pants garb doing totally modern dance moves was weirdly awesome.

~ Whoa . . . they're, like, dismantling the stage . . . crazy!!!

~ The fancy pants dancers are cracking me up.  Their facial expressions are spot on snooty-like but the moves just scream "word to your mother, yo."  At least in comparison.

~ Votes for women!!  Or, to quote Mrs. Banks from Mary Poppins, "though we adore men individually, we agree that as a group they're rather stupid."  The Sherman brothers?  Genius.

~ I still maintain that Americans should start wearing poppies in November again.  Who's with me?

~ Les Mis type costumes and STOMP type percussion (kinda).  Oddly . . . it works.

~ Well that's a lot of Beatles.

~ I want a floofy British admiral hat.

 ~ Apparently they're pumping the smell of sulphur into the stadium.  That totally makes me think of burning Rome.

~ Olympic rings on fire?  Do we have a Hunger Games reference going on here?

~ HOLY CRAP THE FIRE RINGS ARE RAINING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  AND IT IS AWESOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

~ I feel the need to clarify: the fire not raining fire.  Just normal raining.

~ Just had to close the window.  What moron mows the lawn during the Olympics Opening Ceremony? (see also: when it's still a gazillion degrees outside?)

~ Hello James Bond.  I've been looking forward to this part for ages.

~ Corgis are cute.  If we got a dog, it would be a corgi.

~ Hello Your Majesty.

~ This part must have been so fun to film.

~ Goodbye cute corgis.

~ Living Churchill statue . . . little weird, not gonna lie.

~ Cool, the Queen arrives by helicopter.

~ HOLY CRAP THE QUEEN JUST JUMPED OUT OF A HELICOPTER.

~ LIKE, FOR REALS Y'ALL, QUEEN ELIZABETH II IS PARACHUTING INTO THE STADIUM TO THE JAMES BOND THEME.

~ I feel like I should have used a "bloody" in there somewhere.

~ It's so encouraging how I can still catch about half of what they're saying in French.  So glad the French is first.

~ Why, hello Cambridges. :-)

~ Dude, go back to the signing/singing kids stupid camera people!

~ There's more than one verse to "God Save the Queen"?  Who knew?

~ You show the wedding without commercials, but you can't show the opening ceremony without commercials?  File under: you suck, tv executives.

~ Second to the right?  As in star?  I like where this is going . . .

~ Dancing nurses . . . that is not where I thought this was going . . .

~ Team Jayla just texted me that they want glowing bed sheets now.  Gotta say, I'm kinda with them on that.

~ OMG, IT'S JO ROWLING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  I LOVE YOU JO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

~ That is one creeeeeeeeeeeepy Captain Hook . . .

~HOLY HE-WHO-SHALL-NOT-BE-NAMED

~ 100 foot tall Voldemort.  Great.  Merciful.  Crap.

~ That's a lot of Mary Poppins . . . 's.

~So Voldemort just pulled a Wicked Witch of the West.  Way to salute American lit there, lol.

~ And now . . . we all a jig on our glowing beds?  Count me in!

~ Giant kid on giant glowing bed . . . *blink blink* . . . creeeeeeeeeeeeeeeepy.

~ Commercials comparing football to the Olympics?  The commentators are doing a bunch better job this time around, but I do believe the battle cry this time around shall be: You suck, Tv execs.

~ That is an appropriately wild hairdo for a symphony conductor.  I approve.

~ Is that a Mr. Bean I see? :-)

~ Maybe this will make up for the lack of tree-climbing-and-kitty-saving Luke was hoping for last year.

~ Can't . . . breath . . . laughing . . . at . . . phone . . . thing . . .

~ Man, I miss being in a symphony!

~ Lol, I'd have gotten a car too.

~ Saw that ending coming. :-)

~ Meredith Viera just said, "I'm not sure what kind of musician he is, but he has pretty nice legs, I must say," about Rowan Atkinson.  Not sure how I feel about that . . .

~ Dear Pizza Hut: you sound really good right about now.  Especially your breadsticks, a.k.a. the most nostalgic tasting food known to man.  Or at least to me.

~ I'm a big fan of the internet and all (obviously) but this tribute to the internet thing . . . not as much fun as some of the other stuff.

~ On the other hand, I'm always a fan of anything that glows. (care to guess what decade I was born in, lol?)

~ Did girls really wear splash down capsules as dresses in the 60s?  You people were higher than I thought . . .

~ Random only sort of related thing: we all went in together and got mom and dad Rock Band and Beatles Rock Band for Christmas a couple of years ago.  The only time it's played is when we're all home.  Guess who doesn't play.

~ BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY FOR THE WIN!!!!! (too bad the Muppets are American)

~ Psychedelic glowing neon smiley faces.  Yay 80s!!

~ This would be the part where I register my anger and resentment about the lack of Spice Girls.  But they're performing at the closing ceremony, so it's all good.

~ Okay, those were not all British kisses. (see: Lady and the Tramp and Wall-E)  Cheaters.  Points for Will and Kate though.

~ There are people wearing checkered body suits.  Clearly, they got the short end of the costume stick.

~ Fireworks off the Tower Bridge?  Sweet!  Also - I love the rings they've had hanging from the bridge.  Awesome.

~ Hello David Beckham.  You're hot.

~ Jokes about Bob What's-his-butt jumping off the back of the boat to join them in imitation of Her Majesty Queen Helicopter Jumper?  You made it quite a ways but . . . shut up, commentators.

~ Side note since it's commercials: I used to think Bob What's-his-butt's only job was commentating the Olympics because that was the only time I ever saw him on tv.  It was kind of weird to fins out he actually, like, did stuff in between too.  We?  Are not a sports family.

~ Parade of nations!  Yay!!  And yes, I'm totally sticking around for this.

~ Interviews?  With Ryan Seacrest?  Instead of opening ceremony stuff?!  You suck, tv execs.

~ Yeah, yeah, Michael Phelps is more fish than human and needs to swim faster, blah, blah, blah.  Get back to the good stuff already.  We've heard this all before.

~ Oh, you did not just come back from commercial only for a Phelps interview and then go back to commercial.  You SUCK, tv execs!

~ Now we're talking.  I like to see how many flags I can recognize without help. :-)

~ Yeah, totally only know Afghanistan because they're alphabetically first.

~ Those are some really funky country name signs/headresses they're using.

~ Hello shirtless Samoans. :-)

~ I would totally be one of those athletes carrying my camera and recording the whole thing.  And I would sooooooooooooooooo love to see some of that video on youtube.

~ Just got a close up of the outfits the country-name-headdress-bearers are wearing.  I get the idea behind them . . . but holy crap, those poor unfortunate souls are by far the ones who lost the costume Olympics.  By far.

~ Yay Australia!  Send me a kangaroo steak! (those are seriously tasty)

~ It's really sad that a bunch of them can't march in the parade because they have early events the next day.  They should do something about that . . . make the ceremony a day before events start instead of the night before or something.  I would not want to have to skip that.

~ Really like the Belgian girls' outfits.

~ Belize.  I giggled.  Thanks Katie. ;-)

~ Bhutan!  I am totally falling in love with that country - so pretty and fascinating.  And did you see pictures from the other royal wedding last year (well, one of them)?  GORGEOUS! Bride, and national dress.

~ I certainly recognize Brazil's flag.  And I'm pretty sure I've seen much larger groups of Brazilians.  I'm twitching just thinking about it.

~ Brewn-eye.  So that's how you say it.

~ We're cheering aboot Canada, eh?  Or is it aboat Canada . . . eh? :-)

~ Love their jackets.

~ It's Cape "Verd"?  Not "Vair-day"?

~ Czech Republic team wearing bright blue wellies.  I love it!

~ Kim Jong-Il jokes?  Seriously?  Shut up Bob What's-your-butt.

~ Can I just go on record as saying Djibouti is just plain fun to say?

~ "Staying Alive" for background music?  I love England!  And clearly the Finns do too - but I'm guessing that's just because they get some of the most awesome walk-in music ever.

~ VIVE LA FRANCE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

~ I wonder how many people get confused when Georgia marches in . . .

~ Holy nursery colors, Germany!  Is this the day care Olympics?

~ I have a friend who knows the flag bearer from Grenada.  That's, like, two degrees of Kevin Bacon from me to the Olympics.

~ Okay, the visa or whatever commercial where they act like the London games took place, like a year ago or something has been playing for, like, six months.  And driving me nuts from day one.  Seriously, referring to an event that takes place in the future using the past tense?  Epic.  Fail.

~ Are those Panama hats team Hong Kong is wearing?  Shouldn't they be wearing Hong Kong hats?

~ Independent Olympic Athletes?  Is this a new thing? They're totally having the best time though - that is the way to march in this parade!

~ India!  I want a sari . . . so pretty . . . and also the hair of an Indian girl.

~ Am I allowed to say hijabs can also be really pretty?  Because some of these ones totally are.

~ Jamaica + Olympics = Lacey thinks Cool Runnings.

~ Kiribati is pronounced Kiribas?  Never would have gotten that.

~ Did you really have to mention the movies when Madagascar came in?  Seriously?  Shut up, commentators.

~ Fun fact in case you missed it: one of the Malaysian shooters is, like, 34 weeks pregnant or somewhere like that and even if she doesn't win she'll set the record for most pregnant Olympian ever.

~ And Mexico has one of the most epic wins in the team uniform department . . .

~ Nauru?  There's one I haven't heard of . . .

~ What are those flowers team Netherlands is wearing?

~ Kia Ora, New Zealand!  And . . . that's all the Maori I know.  And now I want some kiwi.  Fruit, not bird.  Or people.  But kiwi birds are really cute.

~ Team Oman looks like Christmas carolers.

~ The Philippines flag is getting all twisted around the pole.  Now the color guard girl in me is twitching.

~ In Soviet Russia, camera shows you . . . not the politicians, stupid cameraman.  No one cares, go back to the people we want to see.

~ It's Nee-vis?  Not Neh-vis?  The things you learn when you finally hear things said out loud.

~ Dear Samoa: you should have followed the example of American Samoa and had the guys go shirtless.

~ Dear Senegal: that is a very bright shade of yellow.  I love it.

~ Seriously, African and Caribbean countries have the best national costumes.  LOVE the bright colors!

~ Hello again, Cambridges.You are obviously not from Seychelles . . . but that's okay. :-)

~ One of the Solomon Islands dude is rocking the most fabulous blue and yellow goatee I've ever seen.  Also the only blue and yellow goatee I've ever seen.

~ Spain looks a little like a walking McDonald's commercial . . . but I love the girls' flowered headbands.

~ Sri Lanka makes beige look good . . .

~ It totally won't happen, but I want "Dancing Queen" to play when Sweden marches in a second.

~ At this point it occurs to me that Team USA is probably really glad that U comes at the end of the alphabet so they don't have to stand there the whole times everyone else is marching in.  Poor Greece.

~ Dear Tonga: too many white guys, not enough shirtless guys.  Points for the lava lavas though.

~ Holy crap Turkey's flag bearer is GORGEOUS!

~ Wide shot of all the countries who've already come in.  I wonder if they're as squished together as they look.

~ USA! USA! USA!

~ 529 people . . . compared to one for some countries.  Crazy.

~ Not a fan of those hats . . .

~ Okay, let's move on now.  There have been, like, three more countries coming in.  How self-centered can you get? (oh the things one could answer to that . . . )

~ Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand Zambia.  MAde it through the alphabet kids. :-)

~ TEAM GB! TEAM GB! TEAM GB!

~ You know, I didn't notice it before but I think the crowd in the stadium was getting bored.  I noticed because they just woke up, lol.

~ Holy Glitter Girl flashbacks, Ashli!

~ All those flags on the hill?  Awesome.

~ So apparently that was a record short time for the parade of nations.  I wouldn't say it felt shorter, but the music was so upbeat it's only natural that people walked faster.  Take note, Sochi and Rio!

~ Wait, wait, wait!  Grimm comes back as soon as the Olympics are over, but Once Upon a Time doesn't come back until the end of September?!?!  YOU SUCK TV EXECS!

~ Glow in the dark butterflies . . . I approve.

~ "Dove of peace on a bicycle rising into the air" . . . yeah, I just see ET.

~ And now we're to the speechifying.  Yawn.

~ Hello Your Majesty.  Would you do us the favor of jumping out of a freaking helicopter again?

~ One supposes fireworks will do.

~ Dude, that hill of flags is seriously AMAZING.

~ Hello again David Beckhot.

~ How awkward would it be if one of these torches went out for some reason?

~ I feel guilty for not knowing The Tempest since there's been all these references to it tonight.

~ That's a lot of torches.  I like where they're going with this.  I loved how Vancouver did it.  Too bad about the malfunction.

~ Now that is lovely . . . it's like - holy floating lights!  This is so cool!

~ Yeah, I totally just forgot what I was about to say.

~ City full of fireworks.  That's my kind of thing.

~ I love the audience as LED screen thing.  It's even better than the wave.  And the wave is pretty sweet to begin with.

~ What do want to bet that a buncha people would have quit watching hours ago except they put Paul McCartney at the end?

~ World's biggest sing along.  Is there anyone who doesn't know the words to "Hey Jude"?

~ Also, I'm pretty sure the only song in the world that is more endless is the song that doesn't end.  I mean, you can just keep going with the na-na-nas pretty much as long as you want, you know?  For. Ev. Er.

~ It's over!

Well.  That was awesome.  Beijing was stunning, and I think we all know that it will never be topped.  But this was just plain fun.  And shall always be remembered as the Olympics where the Queen of England jumped out of a helicopter.  So.  Cool.

So . . . yeah.  Basically our TV will not be turning off for the next couple of weeks.  Like, at all.  I shall get my fill and then not watch another sporting event for two years.  As they shall be saying, see you in Sochi. 



P. ost  S. cript
Just a daughter's daughter adoring the awesome.

Those Promised Details

OR: In Which I Am Charged By A Buffalo And Live To Tell The Tale.


Buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo.

So I'm assuming you all saw all saw my facebook status from Sunday.  And I know I should leave the big story for last or whatever, but I'm leaving it smack in the middle just like when it happened.  Strap in kids, this is going to take a couple of days to write and I'm betting you'll need an hour or more to read.

First, a few observations:

1) Camping is a lot more enjoyable when you have a tent you can stand up in.  And this is not just me remembering being a little kid going camping and standing up.  The big two-room tent we used is tall enough for Dad to stand up in.  So it's plenty tall.  Much easier for doing . . . well, everything.

2) On the other hand, it's a lot more pleasant sleeping on an air mattress than the ground.

3) Never go on a trip and let my dad drive.  He'll take turns way to sharply and tip fully loaded coolers over onto you and nearly give you a concussion with the frying pan that comes flying off the top of said cooler.  And it will be traumatic.  And painful.

4) I have a pretty decent body image for a girl, especially considering everything in the world would have us all believing we're supposed to think horribly of ourselves in order to be appropriately feminine.  That said, I hate the way I look in posed pictures.  I just always look . . . off, somehow.  I have no problem with candid pictures or deliberately silly poses, but the in more "formal" posed pictures I just look weird.

5) I had the worst/weirdest allergies of my life this weekend.  Like nothing I've ever had before.  Now that said, I've only had allergy issues a few times in my life - another one of those lucky genetic health things I'm growing into.  Seriously, between the two sides of my family I won the genetic jackpot . . . if by jackpot you actually mean crap-pot.  Anyway, I have no idea what was getting to me, and it was totally hit or miss if I would have issues at any place that we stopped, but about half the time I would get out of the car and within minutes my eyes would be stinging like I was chopping the world's largest, most potent onion ever and the tears would gush like I was a human version of Old Faithful.  Seriously, within minutes I looked something like a cross between this and this - except without the traumatized face because I was perfectly calm and even enjoying myself . . . except for the fact that instead of sweating off all the water I was drinking in a normal way, I was sweating it out through my eyeballs.

Long story short: 4 + 5 = there are only two words to describe how I look in the pictures from this trip.  Wretched, and ghastly.  I stayed mostly behind the camera.

So the drive up was mostly uneventful, except for the fact that Dad drove the car like he was thirty years younger and on a motorcycle . . . oh, and apparently he was successful in dumping a cooler on my mother back in the day so I guess old habits die hard.  Anyway.  Successes on this trip include introducing Luke to the awesomeness that is Howard Spring -

And the slightly belated rite of passage that is setting up a tent - 

And it was good. :-)



Friday morning our first major stop was a "hike" to Harlequin Lake, which is something we'd never done before.  While it is the most back country-ish sort of excursion I've ever had, it's only about a twenty minute walk (although the uphill part is a little steep) and I'm pretty sure you'd be able to see the lake (which is really more like a pond) from the road except for the trees because it's really close.

And can I just take a moment to say what is up with all the trees?  They totally ruin the view!  And I'm sorry, maybe it's just because I'm a child of the 90s when it comes to Yellowstone, but when I think of the park, the image I see in my head looks like this:

Or maybe this:

But absolutely not this:

Dude - that's my dad.  Those trees are freaking tall!  And in some places where you used to be able to see way off in the distance all you can see now is trees lining the side of the road, noticeably more massive than even just six years ago.  Not cool.

Anyway.  Harlequin Lake.  We decide to do it because my cooler-dumping dad read something on the internet about ranger-led walks to the lake at 10:00 am, so there we were at 9:50 am at the parking lot across the road wondering where the ranger and all the other people were, and at 10:05 we figured no one was showing so we went by ourselves.  But not before watching a buffalo wander his way from a safe distance to a few hundred yards away from the car.

(FORESHADOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)


Also - I'd just like to take this moment to say remind you that we were at Harlequin Lake on Friday.  Saturday Luke and I found an information board at our campsite telling everyone about the ranger-led walks to Harlequin Lake at 10:00 am . . . every Monday.  Not sure if it's a reading comprehension fail or a putting accurate information on the internet fail, but there is a big fat fail in there somewhere.

But anyway.  We walked/hiked to the lake, and it was lovely, and you can see all the pictures on facebook because I'll be putting them up right after I finally get this finished and posted.

Anyway.  Both going in and coming back we kind of separated a little bit because Mom and Luke hike slow and Dad and I hike fast (comparatively, at least).  And coming back I decided to take a few pictures of the way-bigger-than-they-should-be trees so I stopped and Dad kept going, so we were all sorts of slightly spread out at the end of the trail coming back to the road.

So I get out of the tree line, which is seriously a pretty much perfectly straight line of trees about ten or fifteen feet off the road.  Right by the road is a sign that marks the trail's head, and I had the genius idea to take pictures of all the signs so I could remember which place was which when we got back (and also be a little lazy when it comes to captioning them on facebook.  I took over 300 pictures, and there would be more except I forgot to bring an extra memory card so I had to delete some to make room for others).  So I'm right by the road taking a picture, and Luke and mom are just coming out of the trees, and dad's already across the road when suddenly he's (quietly) yelling "Hey!" at us and it registers that it's a quiet yell, but it makes no sense because why would he be being quiet unless there's an animal around and then I turn around and look up and HOLY CRAP THAT BUFFALO IS GALLOPING AND COMING RIGHT AT ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  THAT BUFFALO IS CHARGING ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Now.  I know what to do to avoid a bear attack.  And I know what to do on the off chance that a bear does attack.  And I know all the stupid things stupid people do to get themselves charged by a buffalo.  And I do not do them.  And since I do not do them I have never felt the need to know what to do when charged by a buffalo because I am not one of those stupid people who feel the need to try and get a picture of their kid petting a WILD animal that weighs 20,000 times what the two of them do combined.  So in one of those insta-seconds-that-feel-like-it-lasts-three-lifetimes I'm trying to think - obviously running away is out, he runs tons faster than me . . . but could I sprint off in another direction at the last second, like the stupid characters in Prometheus should have instead of trying to outrun a rolling space donut?  (seriously, that part of the movie bugs the crap out of me.  seen it twice and both times I just wanted to scream at them to run ANY other direction!)  Apparently the right answer was back into the trees because he wouldn't have come crashing through them - but while that was a matter of merely backing up a few steps for some people, for me it was a question of can I run fifteen feet between me and the trees faster than he can run the hundred yards or so between me and him?  And while that might be a fascinating question for a philosophy student who just discovered Zeno's Paradox when it's an actual real-life situation . . . not so much.

The good news is that the buffalo must have just gotten some major bug bite or something that he had to take care of, because in less than a tenth of the time it's taken you to read the last couple of paragraphs he stops his directly-at-me-for-no-reason charge (I swear we made eye contact) and drops into a buffalo wallow in the grass between the road and the pull-out and rolls around like he's some sort of freaking puppy or something.  Our hearts all start beating again and we cross the road to hear that Dad saw him come through right between our car and the tree we parked it under.

So.  Just for a little perspective I drew you all a totally-not-anywhere-near-scale diagram of more or less what happened, and where we were.  The red line is (kind of) how the buffalo ran.

It was crazy, y'all.  And that space between the tree and the car?  That part is to scale.

See?  Hard to believe that mirror is still attached to the car, isn't it?

And as with any animal sighting (especially so close to the road) there was an almost immediate traffic jam with people slowing down or pulling in to where we were to take pictures.  Since by this point I could breathe again I took a few too. (and now that I'm safely sitting on my couch I wish I had thought to take a few right after he plopped down in the wallow because they would have been awesome.)

That's no trick of forced perspective there, kids.  Luke's at the car, about a hundred yards away the buffalo is just chilling and no more than fifty yards past that is the road we just crossed and it's full of cars stopping for a moment to take a picture of the buffalo WHO NEARLY KILLED ME.



I think I have every right to be melodramatic.  It may have only actually lasted about three seconds, but they were three traumatizing seconds.


Anyway, here's another close up view.

Totally doesn't even care that he just took, like, five years off my life.  Jerk.

So we all caught our breath and went on with our day and hit a few trails and about died of heat stroke because it was something like a thousand degrees hotter than is normal for up there.  And then we hit Mammoth Hot Springs and that was just depressing because there are only, like four hot springs left and the rest have dried up and it mostly just looks dead.  Because it mostly just is.  Dead, I mean.  If you really want to see something sad I'll post the pictures I took on facebook, but for my blog, behold its former creamsicle-colored glory.

Also: the Mammoth elk herd is still around.  I can't remember a single visit to Yellowstone that there were not elk just chillaxin' in this very spot.

*Not zoomed in.  How awesome is that?


In other news, the rest of trip was rather boring, comparatively speaking.  When you start your vacation with a near-death experience it can really only go downhill from there, but it was a highly enjoyable ride down.  We finally got up to the Teddy Roosevelt Arch at the north entrance, which we'd never done before.

And when we were heading back in to the park from the arch we actually got to see sheep which, like, never happens. (pics on facebook)

And we picked up a fun little book in which Lacey discovered that there's actually kind of a lot of things we never did when we were making our (practically) weekly trips when I was a kid.  The book really needs maps though, because we went searching for this one haunted grave, but the directions were just vague enough that we couldn't find it . . . and then we get home and I googled it yesterday only to find out that we were tantalizingly close when we went off in another direction.  Blargh.

Luke found his own buffalo wallow.  And used it.  :-)

We crossed the Divide a half dozen times or so.

And I looked ghastly and wretched and allergy-ish.


And there were plenty of animals and herds of animals to be seen.  And of course, along with them plenty of stupid people and herds of stupid people to roll your eyes at and briefly consider sticking around to see if this will be the day that the elk with the massive rack decides to use said rack.


And of course, no one is allowed to leave the park on their first visit without stopping at Artist Point.  It is seriously the most amazing spot I've ever seen anywhere.  It is impossible to take a bad picture of this view.

See?  Doesn't it just look like a bunch of movie extras wandering around on set or something?  This spot is BEAUTIFUL.  There's a reason it's the most photographed spot in the park.  There's a reason people spend all day there, sunup to sundown, just planting their camera on a tripod and taking pictures every twenty minutes or so.  And there are just. no. words. None at all, to describe that reason.

Sure, you think it looks good in pictures.  But until you see it in person, I promise -  you don't Get It.  I mean, seriously.  I took that picture.  On my cheap little point-and-shoot that I bought five years ago.  It looks like it was taken by a professional with some fancy pants camera and intended to be a postcard shot, right?  A-MA-ZING.

(also - one thing you're sure to notice whilst going through all the pictures is that I have a major thing for waterfalls.  And for playing with the zoom on my camera.)


Anyway.  We hit up that other Yellowstone staple and only had to wait about 45 minutes for Old Faithful to erupt (video on facebook) but mom had a major migraine so we cut things short a day, which meant no Riverside or Grotto Geysers or Morning Glory Pool - sad!  Because I seriously would have plopped myself down and waited the full six hours for a Riverside eruption.  Honestly, a lot of other geysers have better eruptions than Old Faithful, they're just either not as frequent or impossible to predict and you just have to get lucky and be in the right place at the right time.  And there are plenty of trails around the Old Faithful area to check out while waiting for Riverside's predicted next eruption.  Of course, a trip to Morning Glory would probably have been just as depressing as the hike down Mammoth. (and I shall take this moment to point out the fact that I am not even going to mention Roaring Mountain.  Except, you know, to mention that I'm not mentioning it.)

Onward and downward.  We did hit Midway Basin, which is one of my favorites because of the hot waterfalls into the river, where Luke really liked Grand Prismatic Spring, and there were plenty of waterfalls (although there's never enough for me), and Dunraven Pass left us a little light headed, and we apparently just missed seeing a mama bear and her cubs because we turned around at the petrified tree.  And then we came home through Grand Teton NP, and they were majestic and beautiful, but by that time I had the worst sunburn I've had in ten years and had discovered that mom's allergy pills don't work for me so I was slightly miserable and my camera's memory card was practically full and then the brand new battery went and died, so after leaving Old Faithful and starting for home the trip took a turn for the more "un" than "pleasant," at least for me.  But we got home with a couple of new books (always a good thing!) and a still half full bag of GINORMOUS marshmallows that I shall roast over the stove when I'm craving something sweet.  And Theodore.

Generally speaking I'm the type to pick up a cute stuffed animal and exclaim over how cute it is and put it back down and forget all about it.  But in the gift shop at Mammoth on our first day I saw a four-foot-tall version of little T.R. Bear hear and totally fell in love, so when they had the little version at the Old Faithful gift shop on Sunday . . . well, he was coming home with me, no buts about it.  There's just something about the history combined with the cuteness that's irresistible.  I mean, there's the whole teddy bears were named after Teddy Roosevelt thing . . . and the name tag that says T.R. Bear thing . . . and the "Junior Rough Rider" label on the hat thing (on the part that's tilted up on the right) . . . and the fact that teddy bears are just cute as it is thing . . . and the teddy bear in a ranger suit is freaking adorable thing . . . but honestly I think it's the little Roosevelt spectacles that put me over the top.  Cute bear in a ranger suit?  It's definitely got the "awwwwww!" factor, but I would just tell mom she should get it for the creature I've been referring to as the niece-phew before today and let it go. (side note: the whole niece-phew thing has been weirding me out for a month and there shall be a whole post about that upcoming.)  But those totally spot-on spectacles?  Pushed him over the boundary into must-have territory.  If my mother can keep a stuffed ewok on her bed for twenty years than this little guy is definitely sitting on our shelf for at least that many.

And that was our lovely, long-awaited vacation.  Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to go recover from it.

(seriously, how does it happen that one always needs a vacation to recover from one's vacation?!)



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This one's actually one from the trip.  I'll post it - and a few more - on facebook, but the cool kids who read my blog get a sneak peek! :-)

The Cake . . . er, Town . . . is a Lie

Did you think you were done reading my Twi-rants?  Well . . . sort of.  Actually, I'm not entirely sure what today's rant is about - just that something needs to be ranted.

Have you heard of 50 Shades of Grey?  It *might* be the most terrible book ever written.  Seriously.  It is never-supposed-to-be-published-and-see-the-light-of-day bad.  And it wasn't - supposed to see the light of day, I mean.  Other than the deepest, darkest bowels of the internet.

For the lucky uninitiated, 50 Shades started out as Twilight fanfiction by someone who was bitter bout the lack of explicit sex scenes in the originals.  So they wrote all the varying levels of dirty things they wished Bella and Edward had in the first place and put it online.  And you know that episode of Friends where Joey writes a letter of recommendation to the adoption agency for Chandler and Monica?  In places it reads more or less like that.  I haven't read it myself, but I have been made aware of a website that posts small excerpts that demonstrate just how unreadable this thing is.  Where Twilight could have been vastly improved by a couple more rounds with an editor, its knock-off needed a complete tear-down-and-just-start-over treatment.  I would include quotes, but honestly the most unreadable bits are also the most not-appropriate-to-put-on-a-blog-my-grandparents-read.  Of course, they're also the most thesaurus-ed to death . . . some to the point that you can't even tell what's going on until you run it through a thesaurus yourself to translate it back into what it originally said.  And somehow it got so popular in those deep, dark internet bowels that the powers that really shouldn't be anymore decided it should be published.  As is.  So they ran it through a computer program that changed all instances of "Edward" and "Bella" to . . . I don't know, whatever the names are in the published version.  And then sent it directly off to the publisher.  And somehow it became the biggest thing among middle-aged women since . . . well, Twilight.

Which brings me to the source of my rant - which might actually be more of a "can someone make it stop being crazy????" sort of plea. 

As of a few days ago, 50 Shades of Grey was the most requested title at the library in this town.  The mind, she is boggled.  If you had asked me before I saw the list on the library website I would have been willing to bet big money that our library didn't even have a copy.  Much less four.  Much less that if I were to put it on hold today I would be looking at a three month wait to get it.  And then 3 more months a piece for each sequel.  Because oh yes, there's more of them.

The thing I can't wrap my head around though - who's reading it here?  It's widely known to be erotic vampire fiction with extreme BDSM content.  It even mentions the erotic part on the library website, which I guess I always figured was more or less a kiss of death for a book in Utah.  It's just not the sort of thing you envision sitting on everyone's coffee table around here . . . which, I suppose, is why everyone has it on hold at the library.  They all want to read it, but you can bet there won't be cheers and claps when the movie release is included in the important weekly events announcements in Relief Society (actually happened with Twilight in the single's ward in Florida).  It's hard to believe such a book could possibly be popular in a place like this, but I have to admit it's a little amusing to wonder which of these apparently perfectly content, perfectly put together, lovely ladies I see everywhere I go are secretly reading the most popular porn since the Kama Sutra (which, as I've been told, isn't actually porn, but I haven't read it. I've only eaten the ice cream, lol).  Like I said, I can't wrap my head around it - it's a such a contradictory thought!

I mean, I really can't blame them for getting sucked into a book or series - there are three book releases I'm currently counting down to - but I have to wonder why anyone would choose one so poorly written.  Maybe I'm just a book snob. (who are we kidding, I am a book snob.)  And I can't help but think of this.  2:29?  Sums it all up.  But that, like, doesn't happen in Utah.  You know?  It's not a lecture you hear repeated every six months at the girl broadcasts before conference, just the priesthood session.

In conclusion . . . I am not living in the town I thought I was.  And it's a little weird.


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Totally counting down to the Olympics next month.  Also - totally trying to pretend this wasn't almost 20 years ago.  Things I remember - quite clearly - are not allowed to have happened that long ago.

Restless Bookworm

Wanna hear something weird?  You may have noticed that it's been . . . a while since my last post.  Suffice it to say this has been a rather uneventful and somewhat bland month.  BUT - I was looking at my stats page the other day . . . because I'm weird like that and like to see how many people are checking me out online.  Anyway.  For some reason this month has gotten more hits than any other month ever, except last June when I did that 30 day thing.  I have no idea why I am apparently the hottest thing ever in Russia right now . . . but it's a major ego boost, so I'll take it! :-)  (also: привет, мои друзья!)

Also: I despise this stupid new blogger layout.  With a passion.

Anyway.  Onto "real" topics.

I've been having quite the struggle finding good books for the last couple of months.  I've mentioned it to a few people, but it seems like I'm getting really picky about what I like to read.  On the one hand, it's really weird because I've always been the girl who reads everything and dislikes almost none of it - but in the last six weeks or so I've put down, like, five books just because I couldn't bring myself to finish them.

Back in the day I was more like a book-goat.  I read everything, with absolutely no discrimination, more or less.  I remember going to the library during the summer as a kid.  I'd check out a dozen or so books, and approximately five days later I'd've finished them all and be ready to go back for more.  But no one else was done with their books yet, so I had to wait.  And out of sheer desperation I'd read everyone else's library books too.  It was almost like going down a ladder - in the course of about two weeks I'd start out by reading my books - a mix of Beverly Cleary types to Star Wars novels from the adult section of the library (and you better believe nothing could make me feel more grown up, lol!) and then I'd read Ashli's books . . . and Shayla's books . . . and finally Rian's books, and since he's six years younger than me and we're talking about the still-in-Idaho-Falls-timeline here we're talking about a 12-year-old reading the books a 6-year-old checked out due to sheer desperation for something to read.  It was not exactly pretty.  And I may still have this book memorized.  Going on two decades later. (holy CRAP, I'm getting old . . . )

So . . . yeah.  I read everything.  During the school year we didn't go to the library so I read the books in the house over and over and over and over and over and over and over again.  Still have some of them kind of memorized too.  We all got books for our birthdays - and I was always getting in trouble for reading everyone else's books before they got a chance . . . but a new book in the house was like manna from heaven!  Christmas was the most glorious time ever because it meant at least twelve new books.  And I'm sure grandma and grandpa remember the time I spent the whole visit doing literally nothing but frantically reading the last five books of the Work and the Glory series.  We had the first four at home and I'd read them at least a dozen times and I was DYING to just finish them already!  Five books.  Couple thousands pages or more.  Four days.  I did it.

That's still one of my proudest accomplishments.  Even if it's not one I exactly bring up a lot.

Anyway.  I guess maybe it's something to do with the fact that I have a library card, a goodreads account, and a car but I am totally losing my patience for so-so books.  There are still plenty that totally hook me right away and blow me out of the water by the end.  But there are more and more  that I just can't bring myself to pick up after a few chapters.  It's really weird.  For me it's kind of disturbingly weird.  Like, what's wrong with me that I can't enjoy all books anymore?  We all know I'm totally over the who LDS fiction thing, but the over all fiction thing really freaks me out.  I know I'm exaggerating, but on the other hand I have had six duds in the last six weeks (literally, I just checked on goodreads) and when I get a string like that it's depressing.  I mean, six out of fourteen is practically half!

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaanyway.  I just felt like a little bit of complaining/semi-ranting.  The good books are still out there, they're just getting harder to find I guess. (totally open to recommendations!  and you should totally get on goodreads if you're not!!!)  Back to my current book.  Which is so far, so good.

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Tilt shift is seriously the coolest thing on the face of the planet.

Aftermath

So. It's been a week since the most epic birthday ever. How's it been? Kind of awesome, kinda craptastic.

In the pro column:

~ No more noise from the ceiling. That means:
~A) NO wrestling matches
~B) NO American Idol rejects on repeat
~C) NO marathon sessions of Rock Band at midnight
~C1) NO "Hotel California" being replayed 10+ times in a row. Seriously guys, great song and all, but if you haven't mastered it by now . . . you're not gonna . . . .
~D) NO one rummaging through the kitchen that's right above our bedroom slamming drawers and stuff . . . at 1:00 n the morning
(full disclosure - the screeching girl and her squatter boyfriend moved out in December, so we've been enjoying that one for a while now. But I'm still celebrating. Also, everyone in both apartments were completely new neighbors for us, so I really don't know what they would have been like. All I know is that now they can do all this ^ somewhere else. Hooray!)

~ We are not paying rent in June. And probably not July. And likely not August. And possibly not even September . . . although that one's kinda pushing it.

~ Dude, we (well, Luke) were on TV!!! That's always cool. Also - I was the most popular person at church Sunday for, like, five whole minutes. I'll take what I can get, who doesn't love being popular? :-P

~ Really glad that if the whole thing had to happen it happened last week when the weather was clear instead of last night when it was a steady, heavy drizzle or more all night. Even though I could have grabbed a jacket on my way out and would have put my shoes on before going outside instead of after . . . holy even more unpleasant than it was!!

~ All our stuff is fine. Still a little blown away by that. Yay!

~ A week ago I was tolerably certain we had four places close by we could go in an emergency. It's so nice to have assumptions like that validated. :-) (Well, three of them at least. One didn't get verified But Smithfield's the automatic fourth choice anyway just because of distance, and what are the odds we'd have to go that far down the list, lol?)


And in the con column:

~ Holy crap, it's been busy! We already had a big list of things needing done from the damage reports everyone submitted after they moved in last Monday, but it's hardly even been touched because everyone and their dog keeps coming to go through upstairs. There was the insurance guy, and the state something or other inspector, and some guy from Albuquerque who goes all over the country investigating fires, and the contractor who's going to be doing the work when the investigation is done, and the subcontractors he's working with . . . and of course they all need (or just want to here) Luke's story since he's the only witness. So basically he hasn't had more than an hour or two of free time a day all week. Good times. And then there's the morons who used to live up there. Last Sunday night they decided it would be cool or funny or something to hold a party up there and give tours. So it's 10:00 at night and they're slamming doors and stomping around and laughing and girls are squealing, and it goes on for at least half an hour and I'm ignoring it because I'm so used to it . . . then it slowly dawns on me . . . wait a minute . . . no ones supposed to be up there . . . ah crap. So then Luke gets home from work and he reminds them they're only allowed in to get their stuff out, and they're like "oh, we're just giving tours, it's okay, we have a flashlight!" Ummmmmmmm . . . did it not occur to you to at least pretend you were doing the one thing you're allowed to do in there? Clearly you expected to get called out on it as you waited until it was dark to have your fun. Seriously? I'll admit, I did some silly/stupid things in college, but partying in a condemned apartment was not one of them.

~ Because of the massive amounts of work - a lot of it being giving statements to various investigators - Luke's had to call in three days in the past week . . . on top of his days off! So - our camping trip to Yellowstone next month? Canceled, as all his time off is gone. Grrrrr. I guess this just isn't our summer for trips - Yellowstone was actually a replacement for another canceled trip. Okay then, one more boring summer of not leaving Logan, and we'll try again next year.

~ I may have mentioned once or twice that there is a large hole in the rooftop above us. And it's been raining all week. Good times. There's a tarp up there, but I'm totally paranoid that each little drip I hear is the one that's going to bring the completely saturated floor/ceiling above me crashing down. As Ashli has had a ceiling fall on her before, she's totally not allowed in the apartment until the roof is fixed, lol. (BTW, Ashli . . . yeah. You're totally not allowed. In case you're jinxed or something.) I kid, I kid . . . mostly . . .

~ Speaking of paranoia, it's fading more rapidly than I expected, but we've both been a little jittery about both of us being gone at the same time. Because (at least according to Murphy's Law) if we do that, the whole building will explode or something. Last Saturday was really bad because we both wanted to just get out (especially Luke) and we needed to get batteries because when Luke did his check on Tuesday he discovered that some of the smoke detectors didn't have any. Sure, that needed rectified, but it wasn't a big deal . . . until, you know, four days later. So we built up all the guts we could and treated ourselves to Taco Bell and bought some batteries at Walmart and were probably only gone for an hour or so but I for one was totally certain our apartment would not be here when we got back. Good thing our schedules and my total lack of a life means one of us is here all day minus just an hour or two. Another week though, and we'll be fine.

So . . . yeah. Good times have been had by all. And hopefully more relaxing good times are to come.


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They just don't make cartoons as totally awesome as they used to. This is a long one, but it's totally worth it to watch to the end. Ahhh, the memories.

Pics

#20. Dude. This used to be my living room.



Holy piles of ash Batman!








Picture massive amounts of smoke billowing profusely out of that hole. That was actually happening about 14 hours ago.



#19, view from the doorway. We didn't dare actually go in.



Check it out! That hole on the far end? That would be the Hole of Profusely Billowing Smoke. Can't even tell, can you?!




Hooray for the fire department!!!!

Most Memorable Birthday EVER

So I posted some sweet little videos yesterday. And I thought I was done. Turns out the day was just getting started.

I go to work figuring it'll be a pretty normal day - after all, only one person in the entire school knows it's my birthday. But then I come back from making copies while the kids are at recess and now they're taking their spelling test. And as I walk across the room everybody starts whispering happy birthday . . . crazy, no? But I laugh and roll with it and tell them thank you and be quiet because they're taking a test . . . yeah, who'd'a thought I'd ever be all grown-up-ish like that? :-) Anyway, I sit down at the back table with my back to the class to do some stapling and suddenly it gets super quiet. Next thing I know they're singing Happy Birthday to me!! Sooooo freaking cute!!!!!!! Seriously, I melted. Then they asked how old I was. I told them to guess, fully aware of what I was getting myself into. I laughed off the triple-digit guess made in silliness. The guesses that began with 3s, 4s, and 5s made me feel a little old . . . but kids that age have pretty much no concept of age beyond, like, ten, right? So not too old. So I finally tell them I'm 26, and the initial response is "WOW! That's so YOUNG!!!" and I'm feeling pretty good. Then the comments of "you're the same age as my mom/dad/aunt/grandma's dog/pet fish/whatever!" started (although in the interest of full disclosure, I did make those last two up). I think those made me feel older than the grossly inaccurate age guesses. All in all though, totally made my day. After they finished the test and were getting ready to go everybody kept to me and happy birthdays and hugs abounded - even from the kids I don't work with! I don't think I've EVER gotten that much attention on my birthday . . . even the one two years ago when I officially got my engagement ring and Luke staged this re-proposing at the site of our first date and it turns out that since we were in front of a restaurant with floor-to-ceiling windows everybody was watching us and then they totally started clapping and a couple of the managers came out to congratulate us and everything. (Didn't get a free meal out of it though, dangit!) Totally awesome. But this totally topped it. I still haven't figured out how Ms. Ingram knew though . . . Aunt Sharon, did you spill the beans? So . . . confused . . .

Anyway, I get off work and I head straight to paradise . . . I mean Coldstone. Because for my birthday I am getting my very first ever ice cream cake!!!! Hooray!!!!! Gotta say, I was seriously tempted to get about five cakes, and pretty much the only thing that stopped me is the fact that we wouldn't have that much room in our freezer even if it was completely empty . . . which it was not. Soooo many yummy choices!!!!!! And did you know that Coldstone now has an oreo filling ice cream? Tastes EXACTLY like the middle of an oreo!!!!!!! SO INCREDIBLY AMAZINGLY DELICIOUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I seriously considered getting an oreo cake, but in the end I went with Cookie Dough Delirium and I have no regrets. Well . . . I do regret that I couldn't get five, actually.

So Luke comes home from work (with flowers, woot!) and we have manicotti for dinner, and how's this for timing - the DVD we got from Netflix just happens to be Stargate SG1!! Seriously - did not manipulate that!!! We eat. We watch the awesomest show ever. We enjoy it all immensely. Come about 10:00 we are done, and preparing to crash since Luke has to work in the morning. And we faintly hear a smoke detector going off in one of the apartments above us. And it doesn't stop. So Luke goes up to investigate.

And this is where things get . . . good? Crazy? Intense? Hot, for sure. Apartment 19 is empty. Dark. And on fire in the bathroom. And this is how I found out: Luke goes upstairs. Lacey figures he'll be back in five minutes. Ten minutes goes by. Smoke detector still going off. Suddenly Lacey hears about five people pounding on various doors in the complex telling people to get out. Lacey thinks, "oh crap," grabs her phone on the way out of the room, her shoes on the way out the front door, and puts them on when she gets down. Sees Luke for about 2 minutes, first of six fire departments is already here, so she calls the manager while Luke goes off . . . who knows where. He was totally enjoying his in-charge status way too much if you ask me. Like, Percy Weasley levels. Everywhere doing everything. Grrr. I end up babysitting the manager's daughter who is sleeping in her car across the street and all the fire engines totally blocked my view, but I'm told at one point flames were quite visible and put on quite a show. And I heard an odd buzzing sound that I thought must be chainsaws and wouldn't you know it, I was right! They cut holes in the roof over 4 apartments to get to the attic where the fire was.

Round about 11:00 I finishing my minor freak-out about all the important/sentimental stuff we would lose if the fire did make itself all the way down to our apartment. The bits of chatter I can catch from the garbled-y radio of the nearest cop/fire/ambulance/whatever car (and seriously, how do they understand anything on those radios? I've worked with radios before and they were NEVER that static-y!!) says that the fire is completely under control. Yay! Then someone says something offhand about water damage. Oh crap. Anyway, I figure I better start making arrangements on the rapidly-more-likely chance that we won't be sleeping in our apartment tonight. Tremonton? Last resort due to length of drive. Aunt Tawnya? Has admitted to often not having her cell phone on, and that's the only number I have. Aunt Sharon? Probably asleep, and I would hate to wake them up because . . . I know for a fact that Drew is almost certainly awake, and probably still out playing or something. So I text her, and she's all set waiting to hear what happens. It's also around this time that the manager's daughter wakes up, sees me (a stranger), and freaks out. Manager's sister takes her home, and I'm left watching the darkness because I missed all the fun stuff from a spectator sport perspective. Blargh.

Round about midnight some fire dude with a very in charge demeanor gathers everybody who lives here. It was a pretty small group because a lot of people had left town for the weekend (including the ones in the apartment where the fire started . . . good thing we heard it!!!!!) and some had already split figuring they wouldn't be getting back in tonight. Which is what he told us. He took down names and phone numbers and stuff, and made sure we all had somewhere to go for the night. And said that the only reason we couldn't stay was because the power was shut off and they couldn't get it back on until morning. (well, that's probably not the only reason, but it's the only one he gave. Good news: we can go back into our apartments to grab stuff for over night, and we'll be able to get back in in the morning. So Luke and I go up, and I'm totally bracing myself for the horrors and the carnage and the flooding and the smoke and the ruin. We go in. We look around - well, as best we can with just a little flashlight. It smells funny. But only a little. And . . . that's it! No smoke damage, no water damage - again, as far as we can tell with a flashlight. So we grab some stuff and head out to my car with our new best friend (at least for the night, lol) Kristin who had no where to go. And we go to Aunt Loretta's. And we CRASH.

We all slept well, all things considered. And had a thoroughly enjoyable/entertaining morning. And pancakes. With absolutely delicious plum syrup and cherry syrup. Holy to die for!! We're figuring it'll be a somewhat lazy morning and we amble ourselves back over to our place around eleven or so and see if they're letting people back in yet. Then Luke gets a call just before ten from some fire dude or other asking him to come down because he's the on-site in charge man (and loving it) and pretty much the only witness. So we finish eating and dressing and all that fun stuff at record speed and head back. Where we meet the Logan fire marshal, who, in a crazy small-world twist, lives next door to Aunt Loretta . . . or something like that. So we have some fun swapping "crazy Loretta" stories (KIDDING!!!!!) and then Luke gets pulled into a dark corner for some good cop/bad cop style interrogation. KIDDING!!!!!! They just start asking him a few questions, and there were actually a few that he didn't know that I did, so I got to feel all nice and important and special too. Yay. And they've got the whole place roped off, a feat which was made about a hundred times easier by the construction to replace the canal wall, because it meant only running tape across half a parking lot instead of the whole thing. And Luke gets to be all important and duck under the rope with the fire people (Logan fire marshal, state fire marshal, and someone else who is also presumably important but who's fancy-schmancy title I've forgotten) while Kristin and I have to just chillax at the rope. Good news: the power is back on in all but, like, three apartments and they say we'll be going in in probably a couple of hours. Better news: 45 minutes later they take the police tape down and let us in. So Kristin and I go exploring. This time I brace myself for minor carnage. And . . . there's . . . nothing!!! It doesn't even smell!!! (well, it does a tiny bit) So I open up the windows to let the place air out a little.

Okay, backtrack: for the last two weeks I've been kind of kicking myself for not taking pictures of the canal thing everyday. Just for some fun documentation, you know. And of course, while I do wish I had pictures of last night, grabbing my camera . . . kind of not so high on the priority list when you hear people banging on doors and the last time you saw your husband he was going to an apartment where the smoke alarm was going off, you know? So no pictures. Sad day. But then - Kristin grabs her camera and we head upstairs to offer our assistance to the guys in 20, who've been given permission to get their stuff out. And, you know, to check out the place. Kristin took pictures, which I will totally be ripping from her facebook page and posting here in another post later today. I looked around awed that this was the apartment we were living in just over a year ago. The apartment we briefly considered staying in instead of moving downstairs. And now it is covered in ashes and has a really nice skylight. Good times.

And now, here I am. Most. Memorable. Birthday. Ever. And here's the sitch: all I know is what I've overheard the important people saying to each other, so my details may be a touch inaccurate - but: at first word on the street was that 19 & 20 were both a total loss, with 17 & 18 in pretty bad shape too. Turns out 17 & 18 have fancy skylights too, but other than that are in comparatively good shape. 19 (I believe) has been condemned. Right now absolutely nobody goes in or out until the insurance guy comes on Monday. Which kind of sucks for the guys from 19 who were called home from a weekend at Bear Lake with the news that their apartment had burned down. The good news is that while the apartment itself is in, obviously, terrible shape, apparently their stuff is about 97% fine, just covered in ashes. 20 is in bad shape, but not as bad as 19 and as we speak those guys are finishing moving their stuff out. Also: we made the front page of the Herald Journal, as we discovered when we got up this morning. And about 5 minutes ago Kristin called me to tell me that we are currently number 1 on the local section of the front page of yahoo news. We're number 1! We're number 1! Also: in the spirit of making lemonade out of life's lemons and screwdrivers out of life's oranges I am (in case you couldn't already tell) laughing about everything (well, a lot of things) because it's more pleasant (and more healthy!) than crying and really, since nobody was hurt and the damage was pretty minimal all things considered there's a lot to enjoy about this whole situation.

Like the fact that at this rate Luke and I will not be paying rent for months. Seriously. Within a week of us fully taking over on-site maintenance duties the canal wall collapses. 12 days (TWELVE!!!) later there's a fire. I'm thinking it might be us . . . and this whole "be the maintenance people" thing might have been a bad idea. But in the meantime, I am sitting in a camp chair outside our apartment surfing away and soaking up the sun. So what if little bits of ash fall down on me now and then. I just had the best birthday ever. And my awesome ice cream cake didn't melt while the power was off over night! YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Addendum: Can't believe I forgot, but Luke totally got interviewed a couple of hours ago. For those of you in Utah, make sure you watch the 6:00 news tonight on ABC (channel 4)!!

P. ost S. cript

This one just seemed appropriate. And hysterical.